Author: 'Niii
Story Title: Kiss the Rain
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_rainfall/
Reviewer: Darkess @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*

Title: 5/5

Perfect. It is an eye catching title, and I believe that anyone who listens to Yiruma will automatically be attracted to it.

Poster/Background: 5/5

Beautiful. I can tell from the poster that it's going to be a sad story as always XD

Forewords: 10/10

Really good intro. You tell your inspiration as well as made the reader wonder why the narrator character has to say goodbye.

Plot: 15/15

:D I love that Key was being the normal umma to Taemin like he is in real life :) I love how you started out the story with Taemin on stage looking for the girl. I also loved how SHE was the one to turn away. Pft. You'd have to be crazy to turn away from Taemin if he was staring at you o.0! Anyways :) I liked the descriptive rain in the story and the meaning that it held.

Originality: 14/20

Eh, I've seen the rain and the break-ups so often now that I tend to try to stay away from them. I'm glad that you didn't give much information on the girl. You only included that Taemin cared about her through your writing which was unique in itself. Many people give a whole background for her. I am glad that you did not.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 14/15

shrieked in cheer

This works, but it should probably be a plural since you're talking about a crowd.

Detail: 5/5

Though it was short, this one shot was packed full of detail. The malicious rain falling in curtains, as well as the rain drops on his luminescent screen. Great job eunnie. You always manage to make your stories seem real.

Writing Style: 10/10

Your writing style is always easy to understand. You use great techniques; you know when to add detail and when to refrain from adding to much. I love that I always feel like I'm living inside a story as I read. This one was easy to picture. The rain, the sliding glass door, Key yelling at Taemin to stay out of the rain... it was all very easy to imagine. I love your writing.

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10

It was short (very short T.T I love your stories so much I never want them to end) but good. I only wish it was longer eunnie!

Bonus: 5/5


Total: 90/100

Labels: Darkess

Author: geesoo
Story Title: A Friend's Confession [COMPLETED]
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/01GEE/
Reviewer: Deep_Night @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

Title: 4/5
Poster/Background: 4/5
Forwards: 10/10
Plot: 13/15
Originality: 14/20
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 15/15
Detail: 5/5
Writing Style: 10/10
Overall Enjoyment: 9/10
Bonus: 3/5
Total: 89/100
I liked This one.
I really did LOL.
The person was great at writing. She made the picture clear (Picture the Events in the story)
I Was surprised on how fast I got interested. Bravo!

Labels: Deep_Night

Author: SuperSapphire
Story Title: The Only Reason
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/SuperSapphire3/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

Title: 3.5/5

Your title is of appropriate length, but it is a rather common title. It is not very interesting but it does link back to the story in a way. So, I guess your title is alright.



Poster/Background: 4/5

Your poster was beautiful. The pictures used were put together neatly and nicely. You should really thank the designer. However, the background was a little too plain. Though your font colour suits the background, I would suggest that you change your title and subtitle font colours into darker shades of green. The appearance of the whole story was great!


Forewords: 6.5/10

You included a character list and also a summary of your story. However, I think you could impress your readers further if you added on more details such as some background information on the main characters. Also, I would love it if you could insert significant quotes said by main characters. You can do better.


Plot: 9/15

The overall plot was rather typical. It seemed like those dramatic plots overused in dramas nowadays. Committing a stupid mistake (like getting pregnant under aged), and then to being supportive of each other and then falling in love with each other, and lastly, there would be a happy ending. The fact that you had pulled in a third party, Jong Hyun, helped to spice the story up a little. I think you should also make Tae Min’s character more prominent in a way, since he seemed to treat his sister really nice, I thought there would be more exciting scenes like maybe Tae Min helping to defend his sister, against Onew. I would love more twists in the story. Do strive on.


Originality: 13/20

Same comment as “Plot”, since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 8.5/15

Spelling and vocabulary were alright. You could improve your vocabulary though. I could see that you tried to describe the different tones, but you actually were still using the words like “said”, “yelled” and “cried” a lot. So maybe you could look up for more speech verbs such as “growled”, “snarled”, “wailed” and “bawled”. You could improve in your punctuation too. Grammatical errors were the major mistakes you had made throughout your story. Errors include:



[1] But it wasn't. (Chapter 1) – Try not to start with the conjunction “But”. Maybe, you could try to start off with “However” instead.



[2] Anyways, I've got a solution to our problem." Onew said using a cold and harsh tone of voice. (Chapter 1) – By right, the word “anyway” is spelled without the “s” behind. Also, when you had mentioned which Onew was using, you did not need to state the “of voice” behind. After the word “said”, you could add a comma too.



[3] What was he thinking? Aborting the baby? No way! Killing an innocent being is one of the things I'd never do. Now I'm still left with no choices at all. If I can't get rid of this baby, I'm going to have to keep it. Soon, my stomach will get bigger and bigger. I won't be able to hide it anymore by then. I think I should tell my someone before it's too late. (Chapter 2) – Note the abrupt changes in tenses. From past to present tenses, your usage of tenses is inconsistent. Past tense should be used consistently.



[4] I'm sorry, I couldn't fight for your life baby. (Chapter 2) – I suggest you to put a full stop after the word “sorry”, instead of a comma. This is more proper and would make your sentence more impactful. After the word “life”, you should add a comma, to show clearly who the speaker is addressing.



[5] She's not gettin rid of the baby. (Chapter 2) – You should spell the word “getting” fully.



[6] Onew, _________. (Chapter 3) – Since there are only two names, you should the conjunction “and” to link them together, instead of a comma.



[7] His eyes sparkling, his voice sounding so happy with every chuckle. (Chapter 17) – I would advice you to change your sentence since it is incoherent and incomplete. I would write “His eyes sparkled with delight as he chuckled merrily. His face glowed with happiness.”



[8] Onew did as I said. He seems pretty fine to me. He's not wobbling all over the place like he was before. (Chapter 17) – Same error as error [3] – abrupt changes in tenses. Past tense should be used consistently. Thus, it should be “He seemed pretty fine to me. He was not wobbling all over the place like he was before.”



Detail: 3/5

You had tried to provide details, but due to the lack of descriptive words and phrases, the details given were not really detailed. I hope you can understand what I am trying to say. :p Do strive on.


Writing Style: 7.5/10

Your writing style was alright. Simple words were used and hence readers could understand your story easily. You could use more sophisticated words and phrases to provide more vivid descriptions. Paragraphing was okay too. The pace of your story required improvement though. Sometimes, the chapters were too short. Try to keep the lengths of your chapters uniformed. In this way, the pace of your story would be somewhat more consistent.


Overall Enjoyment: 7/10



Bonus: 5/5

Onew is my ultimate bias. =] Jong Hyun is my second love from SHINee! =] With all these awesome guys, I have to give you five out of five. Do work harder. I had written SHINee’s stories too. =]

Onew’s: www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_onew_FM/

Jong Hyun’s: www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_jh_FFWA/

MinHo’s: www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_mh_FC/

Tae Min’s: www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_tm_Figment/

Key’s: www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_key_FFK/



Total: 67/100

Labels: th1rd3ye

Author: C andy . C anes
Story Title: My Christmas ‘PRESENT’
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/c_cstorylines3/
Reviewer: morning_glory@ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

Title: 3/5 Your title shows clearly what your story is about, but I think that I would probably click on it, just to see what it’s about.


Poster/Background: 5/5 Your poster and background fit very well with your story.


Forewords: 7/10 Your forewords were really enthusiastic! It was interesting to see that in the forewords. You did a good job on your summary. It was just that it seemed a bit crowded, because you didn’t make a really big separation between your intro and the summary. So next time, just make it really clear, ok? Good job!


Plot: 12/15 Your plot is really good, but it wasn’t the storyline itself that made me keep reading. It was the language you used, the emotions you invoked. It was interesting to me how you made your story complicating, with the misunderstanding, but, under it all, was the fact that they both still loved each other.


Originality: 15/20 In the beginning, I didn’t really think this plot was that original, but later on, in chapters 9-epilogue, it was really showing the originality. Eunjae, Jackie, and BoA’s mother were really interesting characters, and they improved the overall creativity of the story.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 14/15 Your grammar and spelling are really good, but you could try using semi-colons once in a while, to make your sentences more complete.


Detail: 5/5 Your details are really nice, it is really descriptive and it makes little pictures in my head. That makes me happy. :)


Writing Style: 7/10 Your writing style is good; but try to balance description and dialogue to where there’s an equal amount of both in there.


Overall Enjoyment: 7/10 I enjoyed this story a lot, even though there were a LOT of sad parts.


Bonus: 2/5 I gave you 2 bonus, cause a) I liked your story and b) I really liked your characters.



Total: 77/100

Labels: morning_glory

Author: Irene
Story Title: Haru Haru - Don't find me again
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Irene/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

Title: 4/5

This is a simple and nice title. Since it is in a foreign language (Korean), it will surely stir up interest in people. In addition, it is the title of a well-known song by the famous group, Big Bang. However, this meant that many had heard the title before, resulting it to become common. Also, I feel that you should have added the translations of the title in brackets beside it. If you include the "Don't find me again", then your title would be too long.


Poster/Background: 2/5

The poster is rather huge and messy. The pictures are not blended properly. The background is too flowery. The poster and background do not help to enhance the atmosphere of your story. However, the words on the poster are meaningful. Do strive on.


Forewords: 8.5/10

Your foreword was pretty well done. The only thing that was lacking was the background information on the characters. You had included a brief summary of your story and also a poem. However, I thought that maybe you should had added the identity of the “I” who had came out with the poem. Also, since you said the song “Haru Haru” inspired you, maybe you could have included the lyrics (English translations) of the full song in your foreword too.

Plot: 10.5/15

Your overall plot of the love story between the female main lead and Ji Young was typical. The ideas of having a promise and third party were common clichés. However, you had managed to put in your ideas in the story by including more characters and misunderstandings.


Originality: 15/20

Same comment as “Plot”. The plot you used would reveal your originality.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 5/15

Your story is full of errors. You need to proofread more before you submit your chapters. Vocabulary is simple; you could learn and use more sophisticated words. Grammar, punctuation and spelling errors are frequent; you should check again and again or use Microsoft Word to type your chapters if you had not been using it. I picked up some errors, not all of them, though.


[1] But he became my best friend as years passed by. (Chapter 1) – Try not to start a sentence with “but”. It is improper. I suggest you to start with “However”.



[2] All the suffering from my umma's death has made my innocense disappear. (Chapter 1) – You had misspelled. It should be “innocence”.



[3] When I had gathered all my bags out of the car I looked at the house in front of me. (Chapter 1) – You should use commas to separate this sentence since there were a few actions in it. I would suggest you to write “After dragging out all my bags from my car, I stared at the house in front of me.”



[4] At the word Kimbap I suddenly heard my stomach. (Chapter 1) – I believe this is one incomplete sentence. I think you meant to say this, “At the word ‘Kimbap’, I heard my stomach growl.”



[5] She was beautiful, angelic. (Chapter 2) – Since you only used two adjectives to describe her, you should use the conjunction “and” to join them together, instead of a comma. Thus, you should have written “She was beautiful and angelic.”



[6] But I definately knew I wasn’t wrong. (Chapter 2) – Spelling error here: it should be “definitely” and not “definitely”.



[7] Soon I felt my eyes were closing and I was sleeping. (Chapter 4) – Firstly, you could use commas to separate the sentence since there were a few actions in this sentence. Secondly, grammatical error was detected. I would suggest you to change this sentence into “Soon, I felt my eyes close, and I drifted off to sleep.”



[8] “Where’s Maya, my girl.” I heard Hyori ask. (Chapter 17) – Punctuation error is detected here. “Where’s Maya, my girl?” A question mark should be used, since it was a question, not a statement. You should not use full stop.



[9] The cab shot foreward... (Chapter 26) – You had misspelled. It should be “forwards”.



[10] She whisper–said. (Chapter 26) – You could just directly state that “She whispered.”



Detail: 3/5

You had tried to include details in your story but I felt that you had not managed to vividly describe the details. For example, you had mentioned photographs. Instead of only just saying who were in the photo and the poses, you could have included the settings where the photographs were taken too. If you had mentioned that the photographs were taken in sunny weather, the happy mood in the photographs would have been further highlighted.


Writing Style: 7/10

The changes in points of views were clear and direct. However, I felt that your paragraphing was strange. At times, you paragraphed your sentences properly. At some other times, you clumped sentences together. Also, I realise that you had used a lot of incomplete sentences. It could be your writing style but I thought that you should try to change this habit and use complete sentences instead. Please do try to refrain from using “but” to start your sentences as well. It is improper.


Overall Enjoyment: 6.5/10

Bonus: 5/5

I am a big fan of Big Bang! =] I like the addition of Lee Teuk as the taxi driver. =] I love Super Junior too! =]

Total: 66.5/100

Labels: th1rd3ye

Author: Yunni
Story Title: Kiss the Rain
Story URL: http://www. winglin.net/fanfic/_rainfall

Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Title: 4/5

The title is short, sweet and simple. However, it is common as many people already knew about such a title. (Yiruma’s piano pieces are really popular)


Poster/Background: 2.5/5

I think the overall appearance was too dark. The background was plain. The pictures in the poster did not fit with the mood of the story. In addition, I could not see Tae Min’s face in the poster. Do strive on. I am glad that the font colour fits well with the background.


Forewords: 7/10

The foreword was intriguing. I thought the point of view of the “I” was interesting and alluring. However, you did not reveal who was revealing his or her opinions. You should have revealed a little more. For example, I feel that you could have included some background information on the characters. Also, maybe, you could add some quoted into your foreword too. In addition, your foreword was rather short.


Plot: 8/15

The plot is too simple and too brief. Though it was a one-shot, I do not feel that I was reading any story. It seemed to be just a scene which two people said goodbye. The link with the rain was not very well established too. You could have written and inserted flashbacks of their interactions in the one shot such that the grief and impact would be harder.


Originality: 15.5/20

Your idea was pretty original, though there had been stories about idols and their loves separating and bidding teary farewells. However, you did not succeed in fully portraying your plot. The link with rain was one good idea but you did not capture it in your story properly. Do strive on.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 13/15

Your grammar, spelling and punctuation were fine. Your vocabulary could still be improved since you used rather simple words. Few errors were spotted.

[1] The sound of her voice washed everything away; the weariness of the day, the stress. (Chapter 1)– If you were only using two subjects, you should use a conjunction instead of a comma. You should have written “The sound of her voice washed everything away; the weariness of the day and the stress.”

[2] That's what he had always thought. (Chapter 1) – You should have written ‘That was what he had always thought.’, since you are to use past tense consistently.

[3] He stood there, phone clutched to his ear as he let the rain numb him, wash away his pain and longing, wash away his feelings. (Chapter 1) – Same error as error [1]. I would suggest you to write “He stood there, phone clutched tightly to his ear as he allow the rain to numb him, to wash away his pain and longing, and to rinse out his deep feelings.”



Detail: 3.5/5

The one shot was really short to include that many details in the first place. However, you had tried to describe and write about the settings, especially on the emptiness. I would like to comment on your efforts!


Writing Style: 8.5/10
Your writing style is pretty good and neat. Your story was clear and easy to comprehend. I hope you can improve on your paragraphing. One example would be at the part where you were describing about the emptiness around, with all the motion and people all gone. I felt that you could have allowed each subject to be in an individual paragraph. Instead of one whole paragraph like “There was no one out in the open, not even the flow of cars that never seemed to stop. Not a single person was there. Shops were closed. There was nothing but the continuous pouring of the rain.”, you could divide them into paragraphs accordingly. In this way, the emptiness around Tae Min would be built up and highlighted. The silent and mournful atmosphere would then be enhanced. Your ending was great though. The one big word “goodbye” on its own would be impactful.


Overall Enjoyment: 5/10

Bonus: 4/5

I had deducted the one point because I really think that the one shot was too short and that there was not a proper storyline. However, I am a fan of Yiruma and SHINee. =] Do work harder! =]

Total: 71/100

Labels: th1rd3ye

Author: th1rd3ye

Story Title: Figment

Story URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_tm_Figment/

Reviewer: ★----Cass♥JongKey@ Shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



Title: 5/5

I really LOVED your title , when i saw it i was ready for a sad and interesting story that was going to blossom

Poster/Background: 3.5/5

posters were REALLY great ! ;3

but then the background was really jus abit too plain maybe you could repeat the pictures?

Forewards: 8/10

good introduction to get people attracted to , but you need to be alittle bit more detailed on what you are writing so that the fans will want to continue reading

Plot: 12/15

interesting but could be better

Originality: 20/20

i think your idea is very creative as this is the first time i hav read this type of story

and seriously , it got me want to continue reading !

keep up the good work ! ^^

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary:13 /15

some grammer errors you could work on

and mayb you could add more detailed words?

Detail: 4/5

neatly explained but could add afew more extra

Writing Style: 9/10

neat and tidy and straight forward

its good as sometimes , people tend to sidetrack their own story

Overall Enjoyment: 10/10

PREFECT !

Bonus: 4/5

1. INTERESTING STORY

2. SHINee

3. TAEMIN !

Total: 88.5/100

Labels: ★----Cass♥JongKey

Author: Christine
Story Title: Summer In Tokyo *Completed*

Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ChriStine5/

Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com/

Title: 3/5

Your title is not very interesting though it is not that common and too long. Your title lacks creativity.



Poster/Background: 3/5

The poster was neat but a little too plain. Your background was too plain and dull. However, I am glad that you had chosen an appropriate font colour. The overall appearance was clean and tidy, but it did not help to enhance the story’s mood and atmosphere.



Foreword: 3.5/10

Firstly, I think that you should have written the foreword yourself. The way your friend wrote is more of writing a recommendation to people for them to read your fanfic. Your foreword lacks characterisation, prologue, and summary of introduction of who the characters are. Your foreword is like blank. The only thing that is consistently emphasized was how your fanfic was going to be similar to an extraordinary fantasy.


Plot: 10/15

I would say that your plot started like a typical fan story. A female fan got to meet her idols and ended up falling in love happily. However, you had your own twists and developments, together with a bunch of interesting and wild characters. These help to make your story more appealing and alluring.


Originality: 16/20

Your originality can be inferred from how you plan the developments in your story differently. The overall plot though is typical.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 10.5/15

Your command of English is alright. There are errors here and there in the story but not too frequently. Your past tense was used rather consistently, which is good. However, your weakness is your punctuation (like me :p). There are quite a handful of long sentences without commas to separate them. Examples of some errors:

[1] Suddenly Christine screamed and said – This is weird since “screamed” is something like “said”. You can just use “screamed”. The word “said” is redundant. [Chapter 1]

[2] Christine pulled back not realizing that she has just hugged her crush and nodded her head vigorously while still smiling. – Too many actions were thrown into this one long sentence. It is either you try to break it into a few sentences or place commas. Also, there is a slight error in tense. The word “has” should not be used; it should be “had”. Maybe you can change it to, “Christine pulled back, not realizing that she had just hugged her crush. With a wide grin on her face, she shook her head vigorously.” [Chapter 1]

[3]And why the hell where they introducing themselves? – I suppose it is a typo. In addition, please do take note that you are not actually supposed to start your sentence with the conjunction “and”. It could be corrected to “Why the hell are they introducing themselves?” [Chapter 2]

[4] When she heard him say that she opened her eyes wide as a blush appeared on her face and she sat up on her bed. – Again, the same mistake as error [2]. I would modify this sentence into something like “When she heard him say that, her eyes widened. Her cheeks instantly flushed and she jerked up, sitting straight on her bed.” [Chapter 3]

[5] Why the hell is he volunteering to help me pack? She thought, looking at Ryo, who looked back at her with an indifferent look. – Quotation marks should be included to show that the thoughts were thoughts of Stephanie. It should be - “Why the hell is he volunteering to help me pack?” she thought, looking at Ryo, who sent her an indifferent look. [Chapter 34]


Detail: 3.5/5

Sufficient details were given in your completed story. However, I think descriptions to further portray the details vividly were insufficient. For example, not many adjectives had been used to describe the personalities of the characters. Adverbs were also not used frequently to better emboss images of characters’ actions into readers’ minds.


Writing Style: 8/10

Your writing style is neat and the words you used were easy to comprehend. Readers could easily follow your story. However, I think you need to improve on the pace of your story. Due to the difference (inconsistency) in the lengths of your chapters, the pace of your story was a little messy. Also, I noticed that you had used the word “said” many times. I suggest that you use other synonyms of “said” such as “murmured”, “groaned”, “bellowed”, “whimpered” and “sobbed”. All these speech verbs would be more telling and interesting that the word “said”. Do strive on.


Overall Enjoyment: 8/10

Your characters seemed to be too perfect and hence less realistic. However, I adore reading the interesting and lively interactions between them.


Bonus: 4.5/5

The length of the chapters was inconsistent, affecting the pace of the story. Other than that, I think you did a great job! =] Do strive on! You even got me interested in Japanese stars. =] You had also nicely placed English translations besides the Japanese words you used.


Total: 70/100

Labels: th1rd3ye

Author:JooRin
Story Title: You Were My Friend...
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/joorina1/

Reviewer: AustinHush @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

Title: 3/5
Poster/Background: 5/5
Forewards:9 /10
Plot:8 /15
Originality: 2/20
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary:15 /15
Detail:2 /5
Writing Style: 6/10
Overall Enjoyment:1 /10
Bonus:0 /5
Total: 51/100

Let me start out and say that you do have the potential to be a writers it’s just I don’t think you know how to express it. I did like the characters but they were a little childish and not very creative. You could have done a lot more detail. I would have liked that. As for the originality it wasn’t that good as well. It’s been used over and over again countless times. But you did really well in your spelling, etc. So don’t feel that bad. Everyone has to start out somewhere. And last but not least I didn’t enjoy the story. I found myself struggling to read all of it

Labels: AustinHush

Author: Fynrile
Story Title: One Way Out (Yaoi)
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/fynrile3/
Reviewer: ShadowYin @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com


*This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.*


Title: 4/5

Simple, easy to remember, makes readers think what the ‘One Way Out’ is. I still can’t see how the plot relates to the title, but since it’s not finished yet, I’m guessing that that’s the reason.


Poster/Background: 2.5/5

It’s Kyumin right? Where’s Kyu? The title in the poster doesn’t stand out, you can easily miss it. I think the poster could be better. Don’t really see how it’s all related and such.


Forewords: 8/10

What I admired was that you captured the reader’s interest in your very first line. Because you used dialogue to begin your fanfic it makes it so much more interesting. I really liked it.

You’ve also included pictures which makes it easier for readers even if they didn’t know the artists themselves.



I personally LOVED your forewords, but I found some minor errors here and there, which ruined it a bit.



I personally love previews too, however, because you have so many it can be a little hard to keep up, and get the reader to lose interest because they’re so confused. Try to keep previews to the minimum. Only pick the ones which you think would give the maximum impact on the reader. That way you could also surprise your readers later on your fanfic. In other words, don’t give too much away.


Plot: 12.5/15

I was never a fan of yaoi, but I really enjoyed your fanfic.

The plot was interesting in a way, but since it’s uncompleted, there are still a lot of questions unanswered.

You definitely know how to shock me, I was really impressed. I’ll say your plot is pretty strong to be honest.


Originality: 16/20

Quite creative, I see you linking other artists as well. Even though you managed to shock me, it still didn’t seem that original. Some parts made me think you were really creative, like the names they used and such. On the contrary, scenes which allowed you to build up tension, you didn’t go into details with it which made your ideas seem like it was any other idea, and that it wasn’t really that special. There were some overused scenes in there, but because you mashed them all together in one fanfic, it made them less noticable. The best thing to do is to go into more depth with the descriptions on some scenes to make them yours. Some were just amazing.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 10/15



You wrote:

Suppressed memories and fear is what he lived on. (Mixing tenses here.)



My version:

Suppressed memories and fear WAS what he lived on.



You wrote:

Yesung looked concerned but it soon slipped away with the sight on Ryeowook trying to leave. (slightly awkward, and I think you could make use of comas.)



My version:

Yesung looked concerned, but… (I understood what you meant, but the rest of the sentence seemed slightly awkward. I’ll consider rephrasing it?)



You wrote:

Eeteuk looked at caring



My version:

Eeteuk looked caringly.



You wrote:

"You seemed to get mad… (mixed tensed…awkward.)



A lot of awkward sentences, punctuation, spaces, missing words, typos and grammar errors going on. I suggest proof reading.



A lot of ‘said’, ‘looked’ going on so it doesn’t show me that you’ve got a wide range of vocabulary, also, a lot of unnecessary ‘and’ s.


Detail: 2/5



In chapter one when Sungmin and Kangin were asking directions of a high school. Which high school? What if they gave directions to a high school which was on the other side of town? Not really realistic when you just put ‘high school’.



Also, there were lots of opportunities where you could’ve elaborated. Details make your fanfic seem real and believable. It’s also a way of making people think that this is actually your own idea.


Writing Style: 7/10

At the beginning nice use of similes, personifications, and short sentences, they were very effective.

At the beginning I was really impressed; I basically loved your writing style. However, I always link this section back to vocabulary, reason being the words you use really affects the style of your writing. You can have lovely creative vocabulary, but the repetition of ‘and’ and ‘said’ really ruined it. Remember, avoid simple words like ‘said’ and ‘and’ if possible, UNLESS you want to create an impact.



Your writing was a bit too fast at times which made it difficult for me to follow. Sometimes there were quite a lot of things happening in just a simple paragraph when you could’ve easily expanded it to make it more interesting.



Overall Enjoyment: 7/10

I liked it. I really enjoyed reading your fanfic. It was quite different from the other’s which I read.

The minor errors were quite annoying because I can to stop and think about what you were trying to say. I see that sometimes you were missing out random words which were probably due to the lack of proof reading.


Bonus: 3/5

loved the pictures

I see Ryeowook ^^

It was enjoyable


Total: 72/100



Sorry I wasn’t your preferred reviewer. Don’t really understand why the form said completed when in your fanfic you said it’s not completed, but I really enjoyed your fanfic. ^^. I suggest proof reading before you post, quite a lot of errors were spotted.

Also, I think I’m going to stalk your fic from now on. ^^ (once winglin lets me subscribe :D)

Labels: ShadowYin

Author: RAINxclouds

Story Title: Rather

Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/RATHER__/

Reviewer: Rachi @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



Title: 5/5 ~ I like how nice and simple the title was, sometimes its things like these that really get readers’ attention. It was a little confusing at first to relate it to your story but then I started getting it as I read on.



Poster/Background: 4/5 ~ The overall feel of it was a little too dark for my tastes. I know the story is a tragedy and all but the poster could’ve left a little to the imagination instead of straight-away stating “this story is sad and dark.” Besides, I couldn’t even tell that it was Taemin right away haha.



Forewords: 9/10 ~ The forewords itself was very good, I liked how it gave you a sneak-peek into the story, almost like an excerpt, and was attention-grabbing at the same time. One thing was the format. I think your actual foreword should have been laid out differently from your authors note at the bottom and the cast/intro at the top so that it’s clearer (ex. Double spacing just for the foreword and not for the rest of it)



Plot: 14/15 ~ This plot reminds me of movies that I’ve seen that have similar story lines (like ghost?) but I really liked the way you told it, I think it was great. I liked how I didn’t know she was actually dead until the last few sentences right before you told me; the element of surprise is always good in a story. I was sitting there, thinking “gosh Taemin is such a jerk” and then by the end of it I was crying. The characters Jinki, Chanchan, and Joolee could’ve been introduced a bit more because they seemed really random, like they just popped out of nowhere. I also wish you elaborated a little more in the end.

“She fell with him as he dove. He went head-first into the seas that had claimed her life. She protected him from a fate similar to hers.”

A little blunt, don’t you think? And wait, I thought she couldn’t touch him…

Originality: 18/20 ~ I’ve seen similar plots in both stories and movies before, the element of death and ghosts are prevalent in many stories, but I enjoyed how you told it overall. If you incorporated a little more detail in the story however, it would’ve made up for the lack of originality.



Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ The spelling and vocabulary was very good, I liked your choice of words. There were some issues with punctuation:



“As she disappeared into oblivion, Yunni looked at Taemin again, calling his name, and confessing her love to him for the last time.”



There are a lot of unnecessary commas in there and wrong tenses; “confessing” should be “confessed.” I think you’ll find a few of these punctuation and grammar mistakes throughout the story.



Detail: 3/5 ~ One major thing that was lacking from this story was detail. I understand that it’s a oneshot so you don’t want it to be too long but much more detail could have been incorporated into the length that you were working with easily and would’ve added so much more to the story.



Writing Style: 9/10 ~ The double spacing got tiring after awhile. There would’ve been A LOT of run-on sentences had you left out the double spacing and while it does give the story a movie-script/dialogue feel to it, too much makes it look like you’re trying to cover up the sentence format.



Overall Enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I absolutely loved your story overall, I just hate tragedies and this one definitely one but it was still good because I was most definitely surprised and I liked the way you told the story.



Bonus: 5/5 ~ Bonus for replying to comments and including little author’s notes in chapters.



Total: 89/100

Labels: Rachi

Author: purple_lilly
Story Title: Because There's You
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/b_t_y
Reviewer: ShadowYin @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



*This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.*

Title: 3/5

Nothing original about it, I liked it in a way because it makes me think what’s before the ‘because’ part. I would’ve preferred it even more if you related your fic back to the title at the end.


Poster/Background: 4/5

It’s nice. You requested from SH.


Forewords: 5/10

You didn’t write much in your forewords, but since you added information about the characters, I’ll give you credit for that. There’s nothing there which makes me want to read on though.


Plot: 9/15

From the beginning it was cliché.

A lot of questioning going on in my head. For example, in chapter 4 you wrote:

[You] Great! Just tell me where to go and I'll meet you there.
[KJ] The park.
[You] sure. See you later.



How did they know they were talking about the same park?

I’m pretty sure there are quite a lot of parks in Korea, what if they live in different areas?

Not really realistic is it?



More points were added because your plot got more interesting at the end.


Originality: 6/20

Like I said before, it’s cliché, and in my opinion, clichés only work when you have great writing style. If you don’t have great writing style you depend on the plot, and probably vice versa to balance it. Let’s say there was nothing original about your fanfic, no particular twists, nothing shocking. To improve you have to shock your readers, give them something different, unexpected.

The way you described the events didn’t really help make it original.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 7/15

I found a lot of errors, here are a few I wanted to add.

You wrote:

As you open your eyes you see the boy you've had a crush on for like FOREVER say 'good morning'.



My version:

As you open your eyes, you see the boy that you had a crush on since like, FOREVER, say 'good morning'. (Personally beside from the punctuation, I think the wording and structure of this sentence could’ve been improved.)



*



I think this could be worked on…

You wrote:

She didn't know I was looking at her and when I held her hand and I saw that she grinned.



I would suggest no more than one ‘and’ per sentence. If it’s avoidable, avoid it as much as possible.

It could’ve been improved by using other words to make it flow a little better.

Example:

She didn’t notice that I was staring at her intently, or that I was holding her hand, and neither did she realise that I saw her grin.



Is it not better to add more words to it to make it flow better? But that’s just my opinion.



Also, here:

Your teacher was still not in the room. Neither was half of the students.



This could’ve been one sentence:

Your teacher was still not in the room, neither were half of the students.



Awkward sentence structure:

When Jung Min left me a couple years back, I was worse than this. But I had no one to hug. Now though I did.



My version:

When Jung Min left me a couple years ago, I was worse than this, but at the time I had no one to hug, and now I have.



Also you used ‘ instead of “ for speech marks…

Quite a lot of awkward sentences going on.

I’m going to have to say this but, poor vocabulary and punctuation.

A lot of silly mistakes which could’ve been spotted by proof reading.


Detail: 2/5

A lot of it could be written with more detail. Also, at times you add details in brackets, when it could’ve been written in sentences. Sometimes, because of your lack of information it feels like you’re getting ahead of yourself within the story.



You didn’t explain how the main character communicated with the SS501 members when her Korean weren’t good. Did they speak English instead?



You started adding more details at the end, but it still wasn’t enough to create powerful imagery within the reader’s head.


Writing Style: 6/10

Considering you were writing from the third person at the beginning, you were really emotional and bias. Personally, I don’t particular like this kind of style.



Your sentences didn’t flow that well because they were too short. It was more like a play; you were giving directions here and there without going into depth with your descriptions.

Because all your sentences were so short, it ruined the pace of the writing.



Very informal language used which I didn’t really like. I might’ve preferred it if you wrote it in first person, which you did later on, so I was pleased to see that.



Instead of making [face is ^O^], why don’t you try to describe it?



And instead of using OMG, why don’t you write it fully? I’m sorry, but this review is based on your English, therefore I’ll have to mark you down for that.



I suggest you look up some words to go with your dialogue instead of ‘say’ and ‘reply’. Your writing doesn’t suggest how your characters deliver their lines besides the exclamation marks being thrown everywhere, which makes the dialogue sound slightly exaggerated.



Please read this sentence:

I was hurt, and sad, and maybe a little bit jealous. I had fallen in love with Kyu Jong and now, there he was flirting with Nicole. I needed to get out of here. I ran far from the horrific scene in front of me.



To be honest, to get more marks, you’ll need to go in more depth. So many things were happening yet you only wrote three lines. It’s really hard for the reader to absorb the event, also when it’s emotions, it’s an opportunity for you to show off your writing skills because there’s so much you could’ve written to extend that tiny paragraph.



However, your writing was improving in the last 15 chapters of the fanfic which was good to see. Although I’ll highly recommend you replace words such as ‘said’. When you use it too often it gets rather repetitive.



I saw a lot of onomatopoeia being used which were excellent. In technique wise, I wasn’t really paying much attention to them because it was mainly dialogue based, but I’ll give you credit for using some writing techniques.


Overall Enjoyment: 6/10

Because everything seemed to be going at such a fast pace, it didn’t seem realistic to me. Like, if I didn’t know someone, I wouldn’t be so close to them so easily. The relationship in this story just didn’t seem real, I’m sorry. I understand that it happens a lot these days, ‘love at first sight’, however you didn’t go in depth with their feelings, and it all seemed so rush due to the lack of description.



To be honest, it was like you were trying to list out everything you could think of, and not giving much thought as to how to deliver your ideas across to the reader.



In chapter 19. The whole ‘payback time’, I was expecting something out of the ordinary, something BIG, and I was really disappointed when you explained it, as it wasn’t as powerful as I quite imagined.



I gave you extra points because I was starting to enjoy your fic near the end.


Bonus: 2/5

Slight improvements were spotted near the end.

You managed to complete it. Well done!



Total: 50/100



I apologise if this review sounded harsh to you or anything, but I really hope you can use this review to improve your writing in future.



To improve in future:

Extend your vocabulary

Learn to use different connectives

Proof read

Use more words to describe how your characters deliver their lines

Be more descriptive

Labels: ShadowYin

Story Title: Do You Believe In Love?
Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/index.php/story/view/328
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com/

Title: 3.5/5
Your title is rather long (hard to remember) and I would say that it is quite typical. However, I like your idea of using a question as a title. It is a good way to lure people to read your story.

Poster/Background: 3.5/5
I am only judging on the poster since it is not possible to put a background. I find your poster a little dull and boring. In addition, the word "believe" in your poster is misspelled. However, I like how you placed one SoEul picture for each chapter. =]

Foreword: 3.5/10
Your foreword is too short. It has a character list and a really brief summary. However, these two are not very enthralling to readers. You could have added some snippets of interesting conversations between important characters or some sneak previews of dramatic events. You could have introduced the main characters with more background information too, for example, by stating their relationships. [Example, Kim Bum and Kim So Eun are siblings.]

Plot: 10.5/15
I would say that your plot seems typical. From being siblings to lovers, So Eun and Kim Bum must have faced some difficulties when they are not aware that they are not biological siblings. This is just an assumption since your story is not completed yet, However, I am guessing that this story will go along these similar storylines. Your story is refreshing in the part where there are many different characters, each with his or her story. For example, Arron and Hebe’s love story is not totally revealed. Also, there is the Calvin’s story with So Eun. I find this part interesting. I know that these are your own ideas and they can be twists in the story as well. I am leaving you the benefit of doubt. Do strive on.

Originality: 16/20
As I have mentioned above, you clearly have your own ideas which you are trying to integrate into the story. The overall plot about the main characters, though, is more common. Do work harder.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 3.5/15
Vocabulary is limited and there are many grammatical errors. Abrupt changes in tenses can be found throughout your story, causing your whole story to sound very messy and incoherent. There is a handful of spelling errors as well. I suggest for you to proofread more or find someone to read your chapters first before you post them up. Another suggestion will be that you should type your chapters with Microsoft Word. Microsoft Word will automatically check for errors and most probably aid you in correcting them. Capitalization is not used when needed.
Examples of errors:
[1] "So Eun, where are you going?" Kim Bum asked as So Eun run away from him. – Note the sudden and incorrect change in tenses, from past to present tense. Past tense should be used consistently. "So Eun ran away from him" is the correct phrase. [Chapter 1]
[2] So Eun turned back and Kim Bum catch her. – Same mistake as error [1]. It should be "SO Eun turned back and Kim Bum caught her." [Chapter 1]
[3] Kim Bum try to blocked So Eun way. – This sentence is totally wrong. Firstly, note your tenses used. Past tense should be used consistently. Secondly, you missed out an " ‘s" after "So Eun", which meant that you had not indicated clearly whose way it was that Kim Bum obstructed. After the word "to" or other modals such as "will", "can" or "could", a root word must be used. The root word will have no "s", "ing" and not in past tense. A corrected version of your sentence will be "Kim Bum tried to block So Eun’s way." [Chapter 1]
[4] alredy inside the house.. – It should be "already" instead of "alredy". Also, when you are using the punctuation for the continuation, please do take note. It should be "…" instead "..". In simpler terms, the correct punctuation should be three dots and not two dots. [Chapter 1]
[5] asleep – asleep [Chapter 1]
[6] hapiness – happiness [Chapter 1]
[7] even though I’m a man – The "e" of even should be capitalized, since it is after a full stop. [Chapter 3]
[8] mwwt – meet [Chapter 6]

Detail: 2/5
There are little details given. In the first place, you have not succeeded in providing sufficient descriptions of the characters and their settings. I hope you can improve in this part. I am glad that you had kindly indicated the change in settings. Strive on!

Writing Style: 5/10
Neat writing style you have, with everything direct and made clear to readers. However, your writing style is not as understandable as it seems. There are too many English errors which spoil your story, and make it sound less convincing, and very incoherent. In Chapter 4, you had included Korean lyrics. I would suggest that you include the translations of the lyrics in English as well, since your readers may not be well-versed in Korean.

Overall Enjoyment: 7.5/10

Bonus: 5/5
I am a BIG fan of SOEUL! I love them though I know they will not date in real life. That was a real disappointment when So Eun stated that she would not want to date Kim Bum. Still, I think they match each other perfectly. I don’t know if you have read my SoEul fanfic, but here is the link. Do comment on it too! www.winglin.net/fanfic/SoEul/

Total: 60/100

Labels: th1rd3ye

Author: mbwzy

Story Title: Rebirth+

Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/rol/

Reviewer: Rachi@ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



Title: 4/5 ~ I liked it and it did have to do with the story but when I think of rebirth, the first thing that pops into mind is having to do with something religious or something serious like that and I don’t think it fit the mood in the story very well. Still, it was pretty attention grabbing which is what the title is supposed to be like.



Poster/Background: 4/5 ~ I absolutely loved the poster, it’s so cute! But although it was pretty adorable, it didn’t fit your mood at all! Next time requesting, make sure to make a note about your story’s mood and theme so the designers can know exactly what you’re looking for.



Forewords: 8/10 ~ What’s up with the complete lack of punctuation? I know this is supposed to be addressed later but that just turned me off completely. Anyways, back to your actual foreword. If you can manage to overlook the horrible punctuation, it’s not bad. The thing is, there was a little too much summarizing and not enough attention grabbers in there to invite readers in.



Plot: 12/15 ~ I like the idea behind your story, I think it’s unique and it’s pretty exciting. I was confused in a lot of places though because a) no spacing (just can’t get over this) and b) how the reincarnation part was extremely complex. The idea was good, just more clarification next time.



Originality: 19/20 ~ I saw some elements in the story that have appeared in many, many, countless others but the reincarnation was unique.



Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 5/15 ~ The grammar, punctuation, and spelling pretty much took 99% away from the story itself. No spacing, random capitalization, weird commas and periods, run on sentences, awkward sentence structuring and many misspelled words made the story a mess. The idea of the story and the plot itself was so good, but I barely got to enjoy (or pretty much even understand) half of it because the format was just crazy. I believe many, many readers are missing out on this opportunity to read your wonderful story but I can see what turns them off; when the story is utterly unreadable, they give up.



Detail: 2/5 ~ Detail just wasn’t there. Your sentences were more like statements than anything else and I couldn’t get a mental image of anything in my head, nothing.



Writing Style: 6/10 ~ I like your choice of words and the language because they make the story flow so nicely but besides that, all I could see in this story was a mess of letters. Paragraph format and the space bar are your friends sweetie, don’t be scared to use them



Overall Enjoyment: 5/10 ~ I love the plot and I love your ideas but the way you wrote them and the crazy grammar you used just took so much of that away, it was disappointing.



Bonus: 4/5 ~ Try for more comment replies next time, okay?



Total: 69/100

Labels: Rachi

Author: Markie

Story Title: The Cost of Life

Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/TCOL2/

Reviewer: Rachi @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



Title: 4/5 ~ A bit dramatic, don’t you think? It’s kind of a downer and gives away the tragedy element of the story right away but then again, it does fit the story perfectly fine and it caught my attention, although next time, try making it a tiny bit more creative so it’s more of a title rather than a statement.



Poster/Background: 5/5 ~ Wow, I loved your poster. I liked how JJ and Yunho look exactly as if someone had drawn them and colored them in on a piece of paper. The background was great too, I could read the text perfectly.



Forewords: 7/10 ~ I didn’t really like the forewords because it was very lengthy and I read through 3/4 of it before realizing it was the introduction and not an actual chapter out of the story. Forewords are supposed to act as an introduction or some slight summary of the story. It definitely grabbed my attention but it seemed like some random excerpt out of the story that wasn’t very revealing at all. And shouldn’t the Characters go in the forewords? Or at least before the prologue?



Plot: 14/15 ~ You have a pretty good plot going on. It had my interest the whole time and I was excited to read the next chapter because I needed to find out what was going to happen. One thing I disliked about it was that I felt like half the story is centered around JJ getting hurt, or being forced to do something he doesn’t want to and although I know that it’s all supposed to go with the plot and was interesting at first, after while, it just seemed kind of pointless…like you ran out of ideas and just decided to make it into a horror story.



Originality: 18/20 ~ The whole “master-slave” thing is EXTREMELY overused but the reason you earned back a lot of the points was because a) it was yaoi so it was already somewhat unique and b) because of the way you told it; your tone and dialogue made it interesting.



Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 15/15 ~ I didn’t spot any grammar or spelling mistakes here (that’s a first!) There might have been a couple of run-on sentences but I could tell that those were made for emphasis and tone. I loved your choice of vocabulary, the words fit this story perfectly and made the plot flow quite nicely as well.



Detail: 3/5 ~ Your descriptions of the characters were very nice because I could get a super clear image of what they were supposed to be like based on how you characterized them but for the rest of the story, detail about the environment surrounding them was missing. Yunho’s mansion could’ve been described more in detail, as could the brothel house, and the candy shop, heck just about everything needed more description instead of just labeling it “the mansion” and etc.



Writing Style: 9/10 ~ I liked your formatting and how everything was very clear and readable. Your choice of language was great too. The only thing that made me confused sometimes, was how you used the (~) for flashbacks. I had issues understanding when they started, when they ended, and when another one started; a nice and simple –flashback—would have been nice. Also, I wish you would’ve labeled the POV’s of the characters so I would know right away. Some of them were very clear but others, I would be reading through more than half the chapter before I realized it was from etc.etc.’s point of view.



Overall Enjoyment: 7/10 ~ The whole violence thing wasn’t doing it for me. The rest of your plot was fine and I guess it was all part of the story but I think it was on overload a LOT of the time. I know you used it to emphasize certain situations and feelings but at a certain point, it just felt really dirty without purpose.



Bonus: 5/5 ~ I give bonuses based on two things: whether you replied to comments (if they were nice to comment, you should be nice enough to reply), and little messages (just about random stuff, or if there’ll be a delay in updates) because it shows responsibility and also gives the author more or less of a personality. You did both of that so there ya’ go :]



Total: 87/100

Labels: Rachi

Author: herlyn
Story Title: Setbacks Of A Winglin Author
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/HEEZYOO6/
Reviewer: ShadowYin @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com


*This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.*


Title: 4/5

- It’s different, original, related, but I believe it should’ve been: Setbacks of a Winglin Author.


Poster/Background: 4/5

- You didn’t have one, however the point of your one-shot was that you wanted to emphasise your opinions that ‘no one cared for the cover of the book’. I still think a poster will make the one-shot nicer, but you make it seem like you’ve purposely ignored the poster/background. Also, I like the background colour.


Forewords: 4/10

- Your forewords don’t tell me anything about your one-shot, in a way, you didn’t need to, but because this is a review, I still think that it’s better to have one.

Plot: 10/15

- Not much of a plot going on, but I’ll give you credit for writing something different.


Originality: 20/20

- Full marks here, reason being, you’re the first one to write about your opinions on winglin. (That I know of…)



Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 12/15

In this small piece of writing, I found quite a lot of places where you missed out comas.

For example…

-

You wrote:

I snooped around my cousin's laptop and found a site…



My version:

I snooped around my cousin's laptop, and found a site…

-

You wrote: (Try reading this without any pauses)

Of course I understand the fact that it feels a whole lot better if the reader would give you masses of feedback but shouldn't one feel grateful enough that someone is actually reading their work?



My version:

Of course, I understand the fact that it feels a whole lot better, if the reader would give you masses of feedback, but shouldn't one feel grateful enough that someone is actually reading their work?

-

You wrote:

Don't get me started .. Oh pish…



My version:

Don’t get me started… (Three, not two.)

-

You wrote:

Have you ever felt the need to turn your story into an apply story all because you know it's the fastest way to get comments?



My version:

Have you ever felt the need to turn your story into an apply story, all because you know it's the fastest way to get comments?

-

You wrote:

Why cant you…



My version:

Why can’t you…

-

Minor errors such as…



You wrote:

…don't have any writing skill?



My version:

…don't have any writing skills?

-

You wrote:

Is that really all the matters?



My version:

Is that really all that matters?

-

Slightly awkward sentences…?



You wrote:

You know, I know not the point of this one-shot.



I think you meant:

You know, I do not know the point of this one-shot.


Detail: 5/5

I don’t know if any details were necessary in this, so I’ll just give you 5.


Writing Style: 8/10

- I can’t see much of a style going on to be honest with you. It’s probably because it’s relatively short, I can’t see much techniques being used.

Overall I’ve seen you’ve used:

Rhetorical questions

Alliteration



Maybe there’s a few more lurking around which I can’t see.

Even though it lacks a lot of punctuation, this fic is good because it creates an impact on the reader, also it’s the first time I’ve reviewed a fic, and the author tries to do that.

It was written very informally, but it worked.


Overall Enjoyment: 8/10

- Short, simple, clear, nicely written.

Bonus: 3/5

That one point is lost because you didn't proof read.

The other is because there was no forewords.


Total: 78/100

Labels: ShadowYin

Author: arronyans
Story Title: Another Piano Story
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/pianostory/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com/

Title: 3.5/5

Title is of appropriate length but rather hard to remember. It is not common but not alluring as well. The word “Another” made your story sounded as if it was just another typical story and this would not lure readers into reading.



Poster/Background: 2/5

The poster was alright, as it did help to bring out the atmosphere of the story, with the right pictures used. However, the worst was the font colour which did not go with the dark background. Reading is made much tougher since readers have to strain their eyes to read. I hope you can change the font colour to a lighter font colour. In addition, the background is too plain.



Foreword: 6/10

Short and simple foreword, which did not include sufficient details to keep readers’ interest aroused, I would say. I am glad you had included a timeline to make things clearer. However, your foreword lacks interesting information. You did include a brief summary about Hebe’s story with Aaron whom no one had seen before. Also, there are the dialogues between Hebe’s parents but these dialogues are not really very intriguing. Do work harder.


Plot: 10.5/15

Up till now, your story is rather interesting. However, I felt that the pace of your story was confusing. Your story seemed to be in patches somehow. There are not enough links drawn between the characters. You will have a hard time explaining later on if you continue to leave so many questions unanswered in the story. Mike’s appearance is a bonus as his personality brightened up your story.


Originality: 13.5/20

You do have your own creative ideas and twists, but your overall plot is quite common.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 5.5/15

Your grammar is not really strong. Errors are frequent. There are many abrupt changes in tenses which are confusing. Your vocabulary is simple as well. Hopefully, you can improve by proofreading more times and also finding and using more adjectives, adverbs and other words to describe your characters and their surroundings in a more detailed way. There are some examples of the errors that you have made:

[1] I want to know is what happened before my part of the story began. [Chapter 1] – Note the sudden change in tenses, from present to past tense. It should be in past tense though. “Want” should be “wanted” and “is” should be “was”.

[2] Then, I felt a my hair flying for a second. But didn’t care after it stopped. [Chapter 1] – You could not say “a my hair”. This does not make sense. The second phrase is not a complete sentence. I would advice you to change it to, “I felt a breeze blowing through my hair for a second. I did not bother about it even after it had stopped as suddenly as it started.”

[3] As I kept walking, I stepped on some dirty looking newspaper, but I didn’t pay attention to them. [Chapter 1] – You had used “newspaper” here, so it should be “it” instead of “them”.

[4] He kept playing as I stubble in the little room; [Chapter 2] – It should be “stumbled”.

[5] I couldn’t look at him. It’s because of the guiltiness that I had when he caught me “sneaking” up on him, I thought. But I know that it’s just his beautiful, light skinned face that got me memorized. [Chapter 2] – Take note of your tenses again. Past tense should be used. It should be “knew” and that “it was” instead of “it’s”.

[6] All I wanted was to hear Arron responded, [Chapter 5] – “All I wanted was to hear Arron respond,”

[7] There was a silence again [Chapter 6] – Silence cannot be measured. So it should be “There was silence again.”

[8] With or without this place being in your heart, I bet I was already in a room, of you heart, that been sleeping all of these time [Chapter 8] – The prepositions that you had used are wrong. It should be “in your heart”. Your sentence structure is wrong as well. It should be “that had been sleeping all of the time”.


Detail: 3/5

You have tried putting in many details but actually do not have the skills to portray them out clearly.


Writing Style: 6/10

You need to improve on your paragraphing. It is confusing to have many questions lumped together in a paragraph. Also, the sentence whereby Hebe stated that she had fallen uncontrollably in love with Aaron should have been an individual paragraph. It would be more impactful that way. Your English Language errors pulled down your writing style as your sentences were incoherent. However, your writing style is understandable. So, I hope that you can work harder!


Overall Enjoyment: 6/10


Bonus: 3/5


Total: 59/100

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