Author: xiaoreine
Story Title: Daisy
Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/54380/
Reviewer: Nanashi @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

*Dear Author, I apologize if my review is too rude-sounding or harsh or may sound unfair, but please know that I only did this to help you.


Title: 3/5
I've actually seen this title a few times: about a girl, a pet, an object, a flower, a song, etc. So it doesn't seem very original and/or eye catching. Although if someone noticed and thought it was a name, they'd wonder why it was in English. Your title does fit the plot, however, and that was good. It also wasn't long and smart sounding.

Poster/Background: 3/5
The poster I like, it's very simple and neat. I can tell either you or a friend made it. It's not terrible, but it's obviously not all fancy like in the shops. Which is something I don't always see: Good and clean posters that look hand-made rather than put and polished posters. I like it a lot.
However, the people's images look a little too bright, as in it's sort of hard to see them and their faces. Also their pictures look different in setting; Nichkhun's picture looks like someone painted it and non-HD, and the girl's looks clean. I'm not the kind to always nag on HD pictures, but I can see why if you have a blurry picture, make sure both or all are blurry because the poster will look uneven and it'll tilt my interest.

Forewards: 5/10
It is very clean, and you added a teaser/prologue. But it still doesn't give information, what it's rated, how old the characters are, what the pairing is, etc. Usually I will see:
Title:
Length:
Genre:
Pairings:
Rating:
...
But in this I don't see it. I know you have Nichkhun have a bit of what she is like, but that's coming from his view only.

Plot: 13/15
I'd say the plot was very great, it seemed very unique. Of course characters like that are now seen/read here and there, but at least you didn't have her get a make over, be a good singer, become nicer, or be in love with Nichkhun in the end. The ending was very well done, maybe a little abrupt and it can make the reader go, "WTF?!" For me I just looked and I nodded. Of course, that's only cause I understand, in my say it was a good response other than cursing. I'd say it's not entirely bad, and plus it was good in first person.

Originality: 17/20
Your female character and male character would have been unique to me, if I didn't already see a pairing like this. Don't worry, it's a real book about a some-what popular, friendly yet odd in the head kind of guy, who is in love with some very weird, very not-great-looking and speak-her-mind type of girl. When I read the forewords I thought of that book, so for a good thing I understood why the character would act or react to certain things.
Their relationship is at one a sort of hate and a one sided love, which you see every now and then. But at least you didn't make it very love-hate, and then they fall in love. Which would have killed my interest.
The ending isn't very "Oh my god I've never seen this", but it was still very original.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 15/15
You have very good vocabulary in the English language and everything seems to be intact.

Detail: 5/5
The detail wasn't a lot, and it was great. Because this is a oneshot, I'd say you did perfect. You had just the amount in description next to dialogue and it made the story more balanced and fast to get through. Not fast as in it was too fast, but for one shots like these they tend to get long and boring. Although in Nichkhun's head it was very amusing and he was very straight to the point.

Writing Style: 9/10
Your writing style is very clean, very well written, almost perfect. Although it seems like the detail was just done slightly less than how much you put for dialogue. As in, I feel you put more heart in your dialogue than your details. But when I keep reading over, it still looks very well. And on the plus side you don't overdue it with such things like exclamation marks, which I don't mind, but it's refreshing to see this.

Overall Enjoyment: 10/10
I don't really read het stories, but this was very wonderful. I liked how Nichkhun and the girl would sometimes/somewhat bicker, but Nichkhun still cares about her.

Bonus: 5/5
The poster was clean and simple, as I've said. And although this shouldn't count, I understood the characters very well because of the book I read, even if others might not get it or understand the characters or one in particular.

*AN/: In my opinion, you're a very good writer. Not the kind where you have me laugh out loud, or make me cry or go "AWW!" But your writing is still very good. My suggestion, keep writing and ask for reviews so you can become better at it. What I liked is that your girl character had spunk and all. Also, your story had me interested and there was no need for a sex scene. In my opinion, stories should be good without sex scenes.

Total: 86/100

Labels: Nanashi

Author: xiaoreine
Story Title: Daisy
Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/54380/daisy-oneshot-korean-nichkhun-oneshot-romance
Reviewer: morning_glory @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

Title: 4/5 The title is simple, yet it embodies the theme of the story nicely. Good job!

Poster/Background: 3/5 Your poster is really nice, but I feel that your background is a little plain. Though, since it’s on Asian fanfics, is there no other choice?

Forewords: 7/10 Your forewords is really nice; I like that the characters were introduced, and I also like how your teaser was interesting. However, I feel like it gives a pretty good understanding of your story already; you’ve already introduced the conflict that is going to happen. Perhaps a shorter preview next time would be better.

Plot: 10/15 Your plot is simple, cute, yet it is quite lengthy. The plot spans a couple of weeks, making the story drag a bit. If you could, also, to make your story more interesting, you could add in another person’s point of view, to give the story a bit more depth.

Originality: 15/20 This story is not really original in the love triangle, or the childhood friend part. However, the original part is the way they met, and the way his love story played out. This storyline was quite interesting, and pretty original.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 12/15 Your grammar, overall, is pretty good, though you do have some mistakes. Some examples:

Original: So why did I feel like I had already missed her?
Should be: So why did I feel like I already missed her? (You don’t need the word had)

Original: But before I was able to enjoy the cool feeling on my hand for more than a mere two seconds…
Should be: But before I was able to enjoy the cool feeling on my hand for more than two seconds… (You don’t need ‘a mere’)

You have some problems with extraneous words. Another problem is the parts where you compare them to dogs; those parts all have some type of grammar problem; you should go over those parts again. I liked your usage of the word misandrist. It’s the first time I’ve seen that word in a fanfiction. If you can, you can try to expand your vocabulary to use more words like misandrist, as that brings interest into your story.

Detail: 2/5 Your details about all three of the characters could be improved on, since I couldn’t really see anything besides the short description of the girl in the forewords. You could also add in a bit more description to balance out your actions and dialogue.

Writing Style: 8/10 Your writing style is pretty balanced, nice and easy. I like how your story flows easily, which is very important. Just add in more descriptions of everything from the characters to the setting. But not over the top!

Overall Enjoyment: 8/10 this story was attention-grabbing and nice to read, and your storyline was one that I really liked.

Bonus: 3/5 Thank you for requesting from Shredded Hearts!

Total: 72/100

Labels: morning_glory

Author: iluvjaejoongie
Story Title: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/lovemetomorrow/
Reviewer: Nanashi @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

*Dear Author, I apologize if my review is too rude-sounding or harsh or may sound unfair, but please know that I only did this to help you.

Title: 3/5
I know that this may sound a bit mean, but this isn't very original to me. But it's not because the title sucks, it really doesn't, but it's
1) Predictable
2) I've seen this title or saying maybe a few times
I will say though, for a story that is based on a movie, it is quite impressive that you didn't title it the name of a character and got it up on your own. It fits to the mood and I'm preparing myself to feel angst, so that was great.

Poster/Background: 5/5
Love your background and the words, I can see them clearly even when I'm reading on my iPad, iPod, cell phone, or computer. The white doesn't shine out like how it would with a color such as yellow, so the white and gray are good. The pictures in the poster don't seem very HD, but then again if you don't look too closely it seems perfectly fine. Just as the title and background, it fits the mood I'm preparing myself to be and it's beautiful. Plus it shows the main characters.

Forewords: 9/10
I must say I am very impressed with your forewords and how neat and clean it is. Despite how I usually see
Title:
Genre:
Pairings:
Rate:
...
I still can be comfortable with reading what you have. And even though there are some grammar and vocabulary mistakes, I'll save that for your punctuation. Other then that, your forewords was clean and had the appropriate information.

Plot: 13/15
The plot is great, but also very cliche. I know it's based on a movie, so I didn't take off any points for this section. Your plot, to my dismay, is very predictable at one moment but the way you have your characters react is a whole different thing I usually don't see. Sure, I see a lot of girls loving one man, crying to death or losing it once the news comes, and when a new man comes in their somewhat happy and they move on. But with Taeyeon you have you express in chapters of how much she loves and can't live to not see Kame, but Jaejoong is also someone she will cherish. Usually you don't need to tell the reader that if you have such a typical story, but I was surprised you still went for that extra mile in writing so and how Jaejoong is going to be there for her. At first I was a bit taken aback at how Jaejoong was a main character, but his love for Taeyeon seem too much of a sub-plot. However, when the story progressed, more of Jaejoong came and his feelings were shown without a word but with the action and writing you put in this plot.

Originality: 17/20
I really am disappointed to tell you this, but I think once I read the title, saw your poster, and read only half of the forewords I knew what was going to happen throughout this story. But, the way you wrote in the third person point of view was magnificent! Usually 3POVs are boring or you don't get into the character much often. Or worse, the person adds too many things that aren't needed. And even though you wrote this version, you still got it based of a movie. Although, the way you wrote certain scenes made my heart either clench or melt. Like the recorder scenes, Taeyeon going to Kame's place in Japan, the memories at the villa, and pretty much every moment with Jaejoong and Taeyeon seemed so unique in a way. It's a little hard to explain, but usually the person in love with the girl is usually quiet or sometimes cold, but you as an author and Jaejoong made it clear to the reader that he clearly loved Taeyeon.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 13/15
Your writing and vocabulary is very great. However, there are some glitches here and there.
In your forewords, you wrote, "Annyeong." I know that many people aren't dumb and would have figured what that meant in its specific language, but I think, at the end of every entry, you could have a translation bar. Usually people have it on the top or bottom, I suggest the bottom because when the reader reads a Korean or any language word, they can finish the chapter and look down if. Also, if you do a translation bar, do something like this if you can't italic the word, "*Mianhae" and in the bar you can have "**Translation". I NEVER suggest you write the translations in between the story or "-word-(trans)", it distracts the reader and their interests in the story tilts. Also for fun, in the translation bar you can have the word and inside the () have the pronunciation. You don't have to, and probably shouldn't, but if you sure that is how it sounds, go right ahead.
In your forewords, you wrote, "...and the strong bond between he has with his friends and family."
It should be, "...and the strong bond between his friends and family."
Or, "...and the strong bond he has with his friends and family."
In Taeyeon's information, you wrote, "...who's life changes..."
It should be, "...WHOSE life changes..."
The word "who's" is a contraction of "who is" and "who has". The other word "whose" is a possessive for of who (or, occasionally, which).
All around the story, you have a lot of "her and..."
The correct way to write this would be, "she and..."
For example, it would sound a bit odd if you wrote, "Her and her mom..." Which you did do multiple times.
When it sounds better with, "She and her mom."
This is commonly mistaken like the sentence, "Me and him."
When the correct way is, "He and I."
In chapter one you wrote, "'I know.' She reassured. 'And nothing’s going to get bad.' She reminded and finally smiled."
The correct way to write these sentences would be, "'I know,' she reassured. 'And nothing's going to get bad,' she reminded and finally smiled."
Or it could have just been, "'I know,' she reassured, 'and nothing's going to get bad.'"
In chapter one, you wrote, "Taeyeon, I don’t know what will happen in the future or make any promises about anything. But, at this moment and in for the rest of my life all I can guarantee is that my love for you will never change..."
It should be written as, "Taeyeon, I don't know what will happen in the future, nor can I make any promises about anything, but, in this moment and for the rest of my life, all I can guarantee is that my love for you will never change..."
Or to make this anything other than a one long sentence, "Taeyeon, I know that I don't know what will happen in the future and I can't make any promises. But, in this moment and for the rest of my life, all I can guarantee is that my love for you will never change..."
In chapter two, you wrote, "Since, Kame was unable to walk anymore, and spent his days in a wheelchair."
It should be written as, "Since then, Kame was unable to walk anymore, and spent his days in a wheelchair."
In chapter two, you wrote, "It was undoubted that Jaejoong had the same feelings Kame has for Taeyeon..."
When is should be written as, "It was undoubted that Jaejoong had the same feelings Kame HAD for Taeyeon..." Since you are writing in past tense, you need to make sure that the story doesn't keep popping up with present tense.
In chapter two you have a glitch on, “Oh, it’s nothing. I was just
thinking back to the year when all of us met back in Busan.
Everything just seemed so carefree back then.” It's nothing really, I mean you can change it any time but just warning you.
In chapter two you wrote, "The three girls had suffered from a disastrous train ride, and was now having troubles..."
It should be written as, "The three girls had suffered from a disastrous train ride, and were now having trouble..." When you're talking about more than one person you use "were" instead of "was".
In chapter four you just had one of those small glitches, "...so that Kame could Taeyeon whatever it was..."
Of course you probably know this, but it should be written as, "...so that Kame could tell Taeyeon whatever it was..."
In chapter four another glitch, "Taking Quick breaths..."
"Taking quick breaths..."
You have other things too but they are pretty much the same glitches I have shown you so far, which you could always change, so I won't get all ninja on you for the rest.
In chapter six, you wrote, "...then he’d rather HER stay with Kame."
It should be written as, "...then he'd rather SHE stay[ed] with Kame."
In chapter 8 you wrote, "...and it’s for us too..."
It should be, "...and IT IS for us too..."


Detail: 4/5
The detail is very well written, which is hard to find these days so bravo. I can see somethings were wrong in your sentences in these details, however, your writing had feeling and the details you wrote weren't just details.

Writing Style: 9/10
Your writing style is very great, in my opinion if you ever wrote fan fiction. In my opinion of a book, I'd say it is worth the challenge for you. Your writing style is not only good in the English language, but you can have the character's thoughts and feelings touch the reader without having the first point of view thing going on. Your writing is also very neat and clean, not too drastic with exclamation points, which I don't mind, but this is so much more relaxing yet the calmness in your story has me worried, in a good way. In a good way because I'm responding to your story.

Overall Enjoyment: 10/10
I must admit I don't know who Kame is, I haven't seen Yuuki, I didn't know there was such a couple of Jaejoong/Taeyeon, or the rest of the couples. However, I feel you had each character and moment set at an almost perfect pace and it was very refreshing since I usually read crazy-angst or the typical comedy drama. Although it was a bit calm for what I'm used to, I'm glad it's your calmness I read.

Bonus: 5/5
Full score for making me a fan of either pairings you have in this fic, it is truly wonderful. I love your style in writing with the calmness and the poster/bg helps me fit into the mood.

Total: 88/100

*A/N: As you can see, I have a thing with grammar/punctuation, but don't be phased by that score, pretty much everyone gets a low score on that. Even I'm not the best at it. Though I must say, this was a great story for my very first review. I need say that I'm honored. I will admit, I doubted you at first, but then again I'm like that with every single thing I encounter. I hope you continue to write, no matter what other goals you want or are good at, because I can tell you have the potential and you will become even better. Whether it be angst, romance, or a best friend loving a girl who's taken, I have a feeling you will reach higher. Thank you for requesting Shredded Hearts and hope to see you again, Ms. iluvjaejoongie. - Nanashi

Labels: Nanashi

Author: KEITO
Story Title: end of love salvation
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/maki/
Reviewer: morning_glory @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

Title: 1/5 This title doesn’t really make any sense… what do you mean by ‘end of love salvation’?

Poster/Background: 4/5 Your poster and background really fit with your story, the darkness really emphasizes the theme of the story.

Forewords: 8/10 Your foreword was really attention-grabbing, it made me want to read your story. Also, it didn’t give away too much of the plot, which was good, as that would have made it a bad teaser. However, I would have liked it if you introduced your characters in the forewords too.

Plot: 12/15 Your plot was quite interesting; since it was a one-shot, the plot went along very well, no weird tempos. It was also an interesting plot, it can keep your readers reading your story.

Originality: 16/20 This story is pretty good, the original part would probably be the very end, as I have never heard of someone keeping dead lovers in their house… that was pretty original J

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 10/15 As you said, your grammar could use some improvement. Your forewords and your one-shot had some grammar errors. You can just go over it a couple more times, or you can always ask someone to proofread it for you.

Detail: 3/5 I didn’t really get much detail about the girl; all I understood was that she really hates being left for someone else. More detail about her would be good. But, seeing as this is a one-shot, the detail you do have is good; just add some more next time.

Writing Style: 7/10 Your writing style is good, you alternate between dialogue and description. You could use a bit more dialogue in future projects, though.

Overall Enjoyment: 7/10 This story was quite morbid, but it was a pretty interesting story. Good job!

Bonus: 3/5 Sorry for the long wait! Thank you for requesting from Shredded Hearts!

Total: 71/100

Labels: morning_glory

Author: Reny

Story Title: They Are My Everything

Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/renren_2/

Reviewer: morning_glory @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



Title: 3/5 This title could be a bit deceptive, because you would assume that you were talking about a love story. But, you aren’t, which makes this title particularly interesting.



Poster/Background: 2/5 This poster is very cute, but the name is really light and hard to see; a darker font for that. The pictures are a bit fuzzy as well.



Forewords: 7/10 Your forewords are good, they tell a bit of the background of this story and what it’s going to be about. It also gives a short little quote from your story, which helps capture readers.



Plot: 12/15 Your plot is different, it is cute but also entertaining. I was kind of prepared for it to be a dream, though, because it skipped so much; if not a dream, then he was in an alternate dimension or something.



Originality: 14/20 I believe it is quite original because the way this story is written is new; this story is about friendship, and it is about a young member who is scared of getting older; that’s interesting.



Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 12/15 There are some spelling and grammar issues, but if you just look over it a couple more times or get a beta reader from season-of-mist.blogspot.com to help you look over it.



Detail: 3/5 You could add a bit more detail about the individual characters in Hey! Say! JUMP, and about Chinen as well, but that’s about it.



Writing Style: 7/10 Your writing style is good, with dialogue and description. Just more of both would be nice; balance them out, too.



Overall Enjoyment: 8/10 This story was very cute, and I enjoyed it very much. J



Bonus: 2/5 Thank you for requesting from Shredded Hearts, and thank you for writing a great story for readers!



Total: 70/100

Labels: morning_glory

Author: xiaoxi
Story Title: Love Bye Love [Completed]
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/lovebyelove/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



Title: 3/5

The title is simple and a little too common. However, since it is a song title, people can relate to it more easily.



Poster/Background: 4.5/5

Simple yet the overall appearance enhances the mood and atmosphere of the story. Nice! The background is a little plain though.


Forewords: 8.5/10

I like your foreword. The brief interactions between the couple will definitely lure readers into reading on to find out more. I would think that if there were more significant quotes added in, or descriptions of the settings, or even basic information about the characters, the foreword will be perfect. Do strive on!


Plot: 13.5/15

I like the plot. You had your own ideas planted in and the development of the story was somewhat predictable but there always was another element which differentiated your story from the other stories with the similar plot. I would like it better if reasons for Ayumi’s return to Yun Ho and her departure were better explained. Why choose two years after? Why didn’t she share her troubles and sadness with Yun Ho though they were married?


Originality: 18.5/20

Same comment as “Plot”, since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 12/15

Past tense should be used consistently. Other than that, your command of the English language is pretty good. In addition, you have used varied sentence structures. There is always room for improvement for vocabulary. Examples of errors include:



[1] Yunho smiled as his glances travelled from his work to the stunningly beautiful male that is cooking lunch in his kitchen. (Chapter 1) – It should be “…who was cooking lunch in his kitchen.” Past tense should be used consistently. Plus, Jae Joong is a human being, so I feel that it is more apt to use “who” instead of “that”.



[2] seeing that Yunho hasn’t came in, Jaejoong switched off the flame at the stove and walked out of the kitchen. (Chapter 1) – “hadn’t” should be used.



[3] Snapping back, Ayumi looked at Jiyool who is playing with a strand of her hair. (Chapter 1)– Similar error. “Was” should be used instead of “is”.



[4] Something within Yunho felt like its melting as he watched her walk away with tiny steps. (Chapter 1) – I guess that it is a typo. It should be “it’s”.



Detail: 4/5

There is a little lack of details which leads me to my questions about the plot. Plus, it would be better if you could describe a little more about the gifts to Yun Ho, the characters’ emotions and tones. Doesn’t Jiyool feel weird with two fathers?


Writing Style: 9/10

Organised and neat, your writing style is pretty good. Everything is quite clear. I would love it if you could add in more details and more emotions.


Overall Enjoyment: 9/10



Bonus: 5/5

Sorry for the long wait. Thanks for choosing our site!



Total: 87/100

Labels: th1rd3ye

Author: Shadow
Story Title: Lifeless Soul
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/hatred/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



Title: 2.5/5

Depressing title, lovers of happy endings will most likely skip it. However, that is not why I deducted points. Such a title is very common and overused. So it will not be eye-catching to readers.



Poster/Background: 2.5/5

The poster is a little too big. It does portray the depressing mood, but the image is a little blurred. The background and font colours complement each other, but overall, the appearance does not really bring out the depressing mood. The poster is a little disorganized too. Do work harder.


Forewords: 3.5/10

The foreword just comprises of a very brief summary and the identity of the female lead. However, it did not have more enthralling components such as significant quotes or perhaps even the settings of the story. You need to include some more information to captivate your readers. Perhaps, you can add in some dialogues or even basic information about the main and other characters if any. Do strive on.


Plot: 7.5/15

Plot is rather cliché without any new ideas added into it. Perhaps, you can further show how this girl desires to be the perfect girl but in the end, her attempts to become who she is not, tires her out more. However, this is a rather personal story (in my opinion) which tries to bring out the harsh reality.


Originality: 10/20

Same comment as “Plot”, since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: -/15

[Since you had warned about the “bad English” part, I think I will not grade on this. However, hopefully, my advice will be of help.]



Repeated tense errors. Past tense should be used consistently (except the diary since that is personal and the character can in whichever way she wants). Vocabulary was relatively simple, more vivid verbs and adjectives could be used. Try finding speech verbs or tones or adjectives as a start. In addition, varying sentence structures can be used. Do take note after modals, the following verbs should be in their base forms (no ‘-ing’, past tense or plural). Examples of errors include (All from Chapter 1):



[1] She could still strongly recalled that her father kept on wanting her to be success, which she had tried her best to make him proud. – After modals such as “could”, “might” or “would”, the following verb, in this case- “recall” should be used, in its base form. “Recalled” should not be used.



[2] Her once close cousins were her best friends but they turned her back when things go wrong. – It should be “turned their backs”.



[3] Unlucky for her, those three girls were not always there when she need them. – Past tense should be used consistently. It should be “when she needed them”.



[4] Without hesitating, she began to flipped the cover and read the first page. – After the word “to”, the following verb should be in its base form. So “flip” should be used and not “flipped”.



Detail: 1.5/5

You did try to describe, for example, the size and weather. However, the looks of the character, how the others mistreat her, and her increasing depression are not described in detail. You could explore these areas and provide a more vivid imagery and deeper emotions for the characters, which will evoke more feelings in readers towards the story.


Writing Style: 7.5/10

Neat Writing style but you could do better in writing stories if you can include more descriptions and deeper levels of characterisation through the characters’ tones, words, actions, dialogues, expressions as well as the others’ character specific acts (treatment) towards the main characters. Do strive on!


Overall Enjoyment: 4/10



Bonus: 5/5

Sorry for the long wait. Thanks for choosing our site!



Total: 44/85

Labels: th1rd3ye