Author: Shadow
Story Title: Lifeless Soul
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/hatred/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



Title: 2.5/5

Depressing title, lovers of happy endings will most likely skip it. However, that is not why I deducted points. Such a title is very common and overused. So it will not be eye-catching to readers.



Poster/Background: 2.5/5

The poster is a little too big. It does portray the depressing mood, but the image is a little blurred. The background and font colours complement each other, but overall, the appearance does not really bring out the depressing mood. The poster is a little disorganized too. Do work harder.


Forewords: 3.5/10

The foreword just comprises of a very brief summary and the identity of the female lead. However, it did not have more enthralling components such as significant quotes or perhaps even the settings of the story. You need to include some more information to captivate your readers. Perhaps, you can add in some dialogues or even basic information about the main and other characters if any. Do strive on.


Plot: 7.5/15

Plot is rather cliché without any new ideas added into it. Perhaps, you can further show how this girl desires to be the perfect girl but in the end, her attempts to become who she is not, tires her out more. However, this is a rather personal story (in my opinion) which tries to bring out the harsh reality.


Originality: 10/20

Same comment as “Plot”, since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: -/15

[Since you had warned about the “bad English” part, I think I will not grade on this. However, hopefully, my advice will be of help.]



Repeated tense errors. Past tense should be used consistently (except the diary since that is personal and the character can in whichever way she wants). Vocabulary was relatively simple, more vivid verbs and adjectives could be used. Try finding speech verbs or tones or adjectives as a start. In addition, varying sentence structures can be used. Do take note after modals, the following verbs should be in their base forms (no ‘-ing’, past tense or plural). Examples of errors include (All from Chapter 1):



[1] She could still strongly recalled that her father kept on wanting her to be success, which she had tried her best to make him proud. – After modals such as “could”, “might” or “would”, the following verb, in this case- “recall” should be used, in its base form. “Recalled” should not be used.



[2] Her once close cousins were her best friends but they turned her back when things go wrong. – It should be “turned their backs”.



[3] Unlucky for her, those three girls were not always there when she need them. – Past tense should be used consistently. It should be “when she needed them”.



[4] Without hesitating, she began to flipped the cover and read the first page. – After the word “to”, the following verb should be in its base form. So “flip” should be used and not “flipped”.



Detail: 1.5/5

You did try to describe, for example, the size and weather. However, the looks of the character, how the others mistreat her, and her increasing depression are not described in detail. You could explore these areas and provide a more vivid imagery and deeper emotions for the characters, which will evoke more feelings in readers towards the story.


Writing Style: 7.5/10

Neat Writing style but you could do better in writing stories if you can include more descriptions and deeper levels of characterisation through the characters’ tones, words, actions, dialogues, expressions as well as the others’ character specific acts (treatment) towards the main characters. Do strive on!


Overall Enjoyment: 4/10



Bonus: 5/5

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Total: 44/85

Labels: th1rd3ye