Author: arlean19

Story Title: When Two Different Worlds Collide

Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/arlean19

Reviewer: morning_glory @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



Title: 3/5 The title sounds like it will be about two different people coming from different social groups to fall in love, though they aren’t really that far apart in terms of social class. However, it’s not that creative, and it’s a little too long.



Poster/Background: 4/5 The poster and background match perfectly! The background is nice and simple, it enhances rather than overpowers the poster, which is as it should be. The poster is really nice, it adds a feeling of a dream because they are both faded on the sides. However, the quote in the top left corner is too faded, which makes it hard to see.



Forewords: 7/10 Your forewords were good, you introduced the characters and gave a short summary. However, it would have been better if you could have just described the characters, and saved the summary of what will happen for a general summary.



Plot: 10/15 The plot flows together well, everything fits together, no weird jumps or anything. There are many cute scenes between them, but it seems as if your story is dragging. It’s taken a long time for feelings to develop between the main characters; some people might lose interest because of that. But, be careful not to rush things either. But, as I said, the story flows well, so the dragging doesn’t really inhibit it.



Originality: 12/20 This plot is pretty common; try to add more unique spins, to make it original. Twists, strange outcomes, etc. You had some original ideas, but more would be good, it would distinguish your story from others.



Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 8/15 You have many grammar and punctuation problems.

For example:

"My manager told me to meet with them. It's about the concert in Japan." Hyun Joong simply said.

Now, since Hyun Joong was supposed to be telling Jaejoong what his manager said, them should be changed to my SS501 members, since that was who he was talking about. And the end, the simply said, should actually just be said, since your readers can see that he’s saying everything clearly. But if you want to put simply, then it should be Hyun Joong said simply. That would be correct grammatically. Make sense?

There are more such problems, so just review your entire story and fix these, or you can ask a beta reader to do it for you. Just go to season-of-mist.blogspot.com, and request.



Detail: 3/5 You could add more detail about the places that they go to, and describe more, just in general. Your characters are depicted really well, but try to show more of each of their different personalities.



Writing Style: 8/10 Your writing style is good, keep improving on everything else; also, go easy on the punctuation. Think of it as a garnish, a finishing touch.



Overall Enjoyment: 8/10 The characters really interested me, and this story sounds pretty good so far. I enjoyed it!



Bonus: 2/5 Thank you for requesting from Shredded Hearts, and thank you for being patient!! Sorry for the wait!



Total: 65/100

Labels: morning_glory