Author: mbwzy

Story Title: Crush On You

Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/cou

Reviewer: morning_glory @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



Title: 3/5 Your title pretty much gives away the theme of your story. I can guess most of what will happen. Try to choose a better title, one that has more meaning to the story.



Poster/Background: 3/5 The poster is really light, so I would suggest that your font be darker; the title is really dark, which makes it easier to see; if you could make the text darker, that would make it better. Your poster is really sweet, and it fits well with your story.



Forewords: 7/10 Your forewords is nice, but the fact that you write what happens between Cyndi and each of the characters in the forewords gives away your story; if you just gave a description of the characters, instead of telling about how she interacts with them, that would be good. Then, you could give a general summary giving a general idea of what is going to happen.



Plot: 8/15 Your plot is slow, it drags. There are many things that are not essential to the plot, which you have added to the story. This makes the story longer, but it also causes readers to become bored with no action or anything. However, in Chapter 20, the dialogue was really close together, making it harder to read. There was less space between each sentence as well, which also made it hard to read. If you separated the dialogue from the paragraphs, like entering after each sentence, that would space it out and allow your readers to read faster, rather than straining to read the scrunched up paragraph.



Originality: 15/20 This story has many original components, the older brother is really interesting and he adds a good twist to your story. However, the beginning was not that original, so I took some points off for that.



Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 9/15 You have a lot of grammar and spelling problems, as I think you are aware. I won’t point out any, because I’m pretty sure you get the idea already. So, all I want to say is good luck and keep it up!



Detail: 3/5 Your story has a lot of detail already, but if you could describe the settings more, that would “set the stage” for your story.



Writing Style: 7/10 This story started out more like a personal diary, and then slowly progressed into a story. There are many details, but they are mostly excess; unneeded. If you took some of these out, that would make it more like a story. Also, add more dialogue. It’s a good way to get your characters to interact, and also to get information across to your readers as well.



Overall Enjoyment: 6/10 I was losing interest in the story when it started, because it was just going too slow. But, as I read, it got better, so I will give you points for the half I did enjoy :)



Bonus: 3/5 Thank you for requesting from Shredded Hearts, and thank you for your patience. Sorry for the long wait!



Total: 64/100

Labels: morning_glory