Author: kanhosa301
Story Title: The Love Bus (one shot) Completed
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/kanhosa304/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



Title: 3.5/5

The title is alright and relatively interesting since it makes one wonder how the bus ride will be and where it will lead to. However, this title is too short and simple in a way that it will easily be missed out in the long Winglin list, especially since many titles use the word “Love”.

Poster/Background: 3/5

The poster was adorable but I think that the background was too striking that it hurts my eyes.

Forewords: 4.5/10

I love the little quote you have down there. However, the foreword is just plain and too short. You could include some sneak previews or characters’ opinions. Also, you can provide some brief details about their personalities and the settings of the story, or even the mood and genre of the story.

Plot: 11.5/15

The ending was sweet and I was glad that Cherry kept to loving Yunho.

Originality: 15/20

Same comment as “Plot”, since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 9.5/15

I did not include all the errors. There was an inconsistent usage of tenses. Vocabulary can be improved. Examples of errors (Chapter 1) include:

[1] Here we are, my bestie and I, riding the bus to school. – I think you should use “Here we were…” since throughout the story, you seemed to stick to using past tense more consistently. Please use past tense consistently then.

[2] It was rush hour and a lot of people were anxiously looking at their wrist watch checking every second each time the traffic lights turn red. – “Their” is plural, so it should be “watches”. In addition, this sentence is rather long. You can put a comma after “watches” and “second”. Also, it should be “turned”. Past tense should be used consistently.

[3] He’s one of the coolest ulzzang in school. Every girl wants to stay close to him and each one of them is probably plotting a crime to kick me out of the picture. But no one ever succeeded to keep me away from him. He’s just too overprotective and he always came when mean girls try to bully me, cut my hair short or simply push me down the stairs. To cut it short, he’s my knight in shining armor! He looks a bit stern with his manly features and intense glare, especially when he’s mad, but nonetheless…he’s a warm, comforting person on the inside. – Past tense, please.

[4] Doo Joon held my hand again, but this time it’s my right hand. – It should be “was” instead of “is”.

[5] Never, ever let him feel that you are interested on him too! – There is a misuse of preposition. It should be “interested in”.

[6] It became a reflex that I’ll turn my head and wished Yunho’s there staring at me. – I think you can separate this sentence into two. It would be better. I would advice you to write “Turning my head became a reflex action. Wishing Yunho to be there, watching me with his smiling eyes, was a desire of mine which had not been fulfilled.”

Detail: 3.5/5

More descriptions could be added of how the characters look, behave and speak. For example, you can describe Yunho’s face. Try at least, instead of using the word “HOT” to settle it.

Writing Style: 7/10

Your writing style to narrate the story was alright. However, I think you need to improve on paragraphing. Each time there is a new speaker to say something (dialogue), it should be a new paragraph. Having the dialogue in another paragraph helps to signal that there is a change of speakers.

Overall Enjoyment: 8.5/10

Bonus: 5/5

Sorry for the long wait. Thanks for choosing our site! I love DBSK!

Total: 71/100

Labels: th1rd3ye