Author: dEEaNNa
Story Title: ☼ Hatsukoi ☼
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/dEEaNNa_08/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



Title: 5/5

Love your title though I did not know what it meant. This title is rather eye-catching since it is in Japanese and the symbols beside it are special. (I love this language though I don’t study it and I can’t understand it.)





Poster/Background: 4.5/5

I think the background is a little too plain. However, other than that, perfect, I would say! The overall appearance enhances the mood of the story very well. The font colours chosen fit the background and poster as well. Good job! Credits to the fabulous designer then! =]




Forewords: 8.5/10

The synopsis was brilliant. The character list was basic. However, the foreword could be better if you could add in some significant quotes said by the characters. Plus, you can include some brief details about the characters as well.




Plot: 11/15

I like your plot. It is cliche whereby the female character started off with some horrible past and sad life story. However, as the story progresses on, you had included your own twists and developments. The characters you put in your stories have their very own special characteristics. The lively interactions between all of them helped to spice up the story! Good job!




Originality: 17/20

Same comment as “Plot”, since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.




Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 7.5/15

There is an inconsistent usage of tenses. You should use past tense consistently. Vocabulary was not bad. Do note that you should use proper punctuation. The forms of the verbs or words are used wrongly. Note that your errors made are similar to one another throughout so I just picked the first few since the back few are all similar errors. Examples of errors include:



[1] Since all fate had been giving her was harshness and pain, would she ever fine happiness in her life? (Foreword) – It should be “find” and not “fine”. These two words’ meanings are too different. I suppose it is a typo.



[2] Fujimaru said and then he face the driver who nod in acknowledgement. (Chapter 1) – I think you should stick to using past tense consistently. Thus, it should be “faced” and “nodded”.



[3] "Dont follow me," (Chapter 1) – Please include the proper punctuation. It should be “Don’t”.



[4] I whispered as I force a smile as I pick the twigs and pulled out the weeds. (Chapter 1) – Past tense should be used consistently.



[5] Miura watched her from behind the wall and he felt an unknown pain in his heart and a feeling that he should helped her. (Chapter 2) – After modals like “should”, the following verb should be in its base form, which means no past tense or “-ing”. Thus, you should have written “help” and not “helped”.



[6] What will happened to them? (Chapter 3) – Similar mistake to error [5]. “will” is a modal, so you should use “happen”.



[7] Hearing the long explanation, they were amaze that this simple looking man is the director of the greatest corporation in Japan and now the only question in their mind is who is the girl then. (Chapter 4) – It should be “amazed”. Also, please note that you should use past tense consistently.



[8] Though what she was saying cant be heard, her smile are enough to show that she is happy being there. (Chapter 6) – Proper punctuation and past tense should be used. Also, note that you should use “smiles” if you are using “are”, or you can change it to “is”. A smile is singular while smiles are plural.





Detail: 3/5

Details provided in the story were sufficient but not elaborate and described vividly. You could use more phrases and sentences to describe the characters’ facial expressions and actions. You seemed to focus more on dialogues, but you did not include many speech verbs, which can help to highlight the characters’ tones and their emotions. Do strive on.




Writing Style: 10/10

I like your writing style. It is neat and very organized. The paragraphing and dialogues were well done.




Overall Enjoyment: 8.5/10

Somehow, I think the story is not that realistic and too fictional. Maybe the girl was too popular. Even though her life story may be what some people really experience in the world, however, her life story was a little too exaggeratedly depressing. Nonetheless, I liked reading and reviewing this story.





Bonus: 5/5

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Total: 80/100

Labels: th1rd3ye