Author: eternalflower
Story Title: Dreams Come (un)True
Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/index.php/story/view/1331
Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



Title: 5/5

This title is short, but adorable. You have made use of a very common phrase and changed it in an innovative way. I like the idea of adding the brackets in between.

Poster/Background: 3/5

I can only judge you based on the poster. The poster is relatively simple and portrays the two main characters and the scenery of a sea. However, I think the poster does not really enhance the mood or atmosphere of the story. The poster is neat and pretty but it seemed to be just for decoration. To me, a story poster will be one which can speak to the readers as well.

Forewords: 6.5/10

Sweet and short foreword which managed to capture the essence of the story. I would love it more if you could describe or provide some more brief details about who the characters are and the settings of the story, for instance.

Plot: 10/15

The ending was cliche. I think the waitress was a good addition since I think she can only see Jae Joong. However, I was a little confused about where Jae Joong would get the clothes then. The pace of development of the story was just right. Do strive on.

Originality: 12/20

Same comment as “Plot”, since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 12.5/15

There were very few errors, just some slight ones. Vocabulary can be improved.

[1] “You weren’t getting caught in the rain?” (Chapter 1) – I think you can just remove the word “getting”. It is redundant.

[2] “It wasn’t about it felt good or not.” (Chapter 1) – I think the sentence sounded awkward. You could add in a word “whether” between the words “about” and “it”, to make it sound and be more right.

[3] But I don’t bring much money today. (Chapter 1) – Instead of “don’t”, you should use “didn’t”.

Detail: 3.5/5

I think the details in the story are rather elaborate. However, I think the characters’ expressions can be more vividly described. You seemed to repeat “smiles” a lot. A smile can be wider like a grin, and it can be a sheepish smile or a sweet smile…

Writing Style: 10/10

I like your writing style. It is simple and neat and very organized. Dialogues and paragraphing are good.


Overall Enjoyment: 8/10

Two points off because I find the ending a little cliche for sad stories and I will like to read more vivid descriptions of characters and everything else. Maybe you can include how each and every day Jae Joong does not greet Junsu to further portray Jae Joong’s shyness and how this bothers Junsu.

Bonus: 5/5

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Total: 71.5/100

Labels: th1rd3ye