Author: SHINeeStars
Story Title: More Than A Thief
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SHINeeStars01/
Reviewer: ShadowYin @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

Title: 4.5/5
Half a point taken a way because I think ‘More Than a Thief’ would look nicer. Not a big problem, but it’s just my opinion.

Poster/Background: 3/5
I think title should be bigger. It’s not really appealing to the eye.

Forewords: 6.5/10
I think it could’ve been better.
I love the fact you have quotes and other info, but the quotes doesn’t really grab the readers’ attention that much. Maybe another paragraph, which makes the reader think more about your storyline, would be better?

Plot: 11.5/15
I thought the plot was quite weird? Firstly, if she had money to begin with, why didn’t she just pay? Surely, if Jonghyun told the media that a model refused to pay, Gyuri would be the one embarrassed, right? If you think logically, Jonghyun had the upper hand as it would surely cause a lot of commotion.
Secondly, they were in an elevator together. She got out; surely Jonghyun would’ve continued to follow her. So why did you include: ‘It wasn’t long until she realized her stalker -- that annoying boy.’ Was he not with her the entire time?

Originality: 7.5/10
I like how you made a celebrity a thief, even though it didn’t make much sense to me. However, it still didn’t seem original to me.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 10.5/15
Gyuri muttered as she panted running down the street trying to tear away from the hawk-eyes of fans screaming as they continue to run after her.

…panted running (awkward?)
Suggestion – Better vocabulary?
Use comas?

My version:
Gyuri muttered as she panted heavily since she ran down the street, trying to tear away from the screaming fans with hawk-eyes, who continued to chase her.

You wrote:
Sprinting, JongHyun was about caught up with the shoplifter.

My version:
Sprinting, JongHyun nearly caught up with the shoplifter. (because this sentence seemed to link on to the next and it also seems incomplete, I would also add ‘however’…But that’s my opinion.)

You wrote:
" Yah, (random space? You did this for all the dialogue when it really, shouldn’t have a space between the speech mark and the word.)

Spelling errors:
Spotable – Spottable
Hurrily – Hurriedly

I personally think some of your word ordering was slightly awkward, but I’m not too sure whether they are correct or not, so I’m not going to pull your points down because of them.

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Conclusion:
Quite a lot of mixing tenses.
Punctuation errors
Random spaces when it wasn’t necessary
Need a wider vocabulary

Detail: 3/5
I really couldn’t see much detail in your fanfic.

Writing Style: 6.5/10
Please be CONSISTANT of which person you’re writing in. The constant changing makes it difficult for the reader to follow.

You wrote:
Time seemed to have paused for awhile. It was unusual--it was completely abnormal. Usually by now, Gyuri would've slapped the guy and left, but this time, she couldn't bring herself to.
For 10 seconds, I found this blonde boy attractive.
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She used ‘she’ and then you used ‘I’. Sometimes it might be better to include ____’s P.O.V just in case. They can be very annoying, but it keeps the reader on track of what’s actually happening.

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To be honest, there was too much dialogue and not enough description. There was so much dialogue it was almost hard to keep track of who was talking and how they deliver their lines. Also, the masses of dialogue speeded up the writing itself.


Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
It was a cool one-shot, and I enjoyed it.

Bonus: 4/5
Original couple
I quite liked the ending
You made your own poster
You requested at Shredded Hearts

Total: 66/100
I hope this review would be helpful to you to improve your writings in future. You’ve got a good imagination. Hwaiting!

Labels: ShadowYin