Author: SHINeeStars
Story Title: In The End, It Was I
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SHINeeStars/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

Title: 4/5

I think this title is rather interesting since readers will be curious who the “I” was. However, this title made use of relatively simple words and is rather long. Simple words work wonders at times but not every time.



Poster/Background: 2/5

I feel that the overall appearance was rather messy. In addition, the mood and atmosphere of the story are not really displayed through the poster and background. The poster is relatively simple and not that alluring as well as a little plain. Do strive on! I am glad that at least the font colours used are appropriate.


Forewords: 6/10

Your foreword was quite short in length. There was no concise summary. Though you provided a basic character list, you did not include some background information on them. Also, you revealed too much about Jong Hyun being the main male lead that the female lead will choose in the end. The suspense is literally killed at the foreword. The foreword is supposed to be alluring, to lure your readers to delve into reading. I like how you had made the characters ‘speak’ their minds at the forewords. However, you can surely improve in many more areas. Perhaps, you can include more information about Onew as well, plus the settings of the story and more significant quotes said by unidentified speakers. Strive on.


Plot: 8/15

The plot is quite cliché. I am sorry to say this but I got bored after a few chapters. There were not enough twists to keep the story going. The developments were expected in a way. I think maybe you revealed too much through your foreword and poster. Thus, my interest in reading on decreased to a certain extent.


Originality: 11/20

Same comment as “Plot”, since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 9.5/15

Usage of tenses was confusing and ever-changing somehow. It was too inconsistent. In addition, you seemed to be lazy at putting ‘ . I did not include them in the errors liseted but one example would be “doesnt”. I think you should just write “doesn’t”. This will make your story look more professional at the very least. Vocabulary used is relatively simple and can definitely be improved. Do strive on!



[1] Judging from the silence inthe house, Appa wasn't home; he was at school. Appa's the principal of the school. (Chapter 2) – I think you forgot to space the words “in the” apart. Anyway, that is not the main point. The thing is that I am confused over the usage of tenses in your story. I know you are trying to differentiate the past and the present in the story. However, in this case, the father’s job remained the same in the story. I think you should use past tense consistently.



[2] I buttoned the collared shirt with the last 3 button opened (Chapter 2) – It should be “buttons” since there were three of them. I would prefer to spell the number out if it was less than a hundred. That was what I was taught to do. [:p]



[3] I'm more use to using that. (Chapter 3) – It should be “used to”. Or, you can try using “accustomed to”.



[4] Vicky sat down in a seat next to Onew as the teacher continued the interupted class. (Chapter 3) – This sentence did not really make sense to me. I did not understand “the teacher continued the interupted class”. I think you meant that “the teacher continued to teach the class despite it being interrupted.” You had misspelled the word “interrupted” as well, though it may be a typo.



[5] I decided to avoid her for now, while I figure myself out. (Chapter 6) – The confusion of the usage of tenses is present here. I suppose you should use “while I was going to figure myself out.”



[6] Your part of the project. (Chapter 7) – You’re part of the project.



[7] JongHyun laughed as he pass a napkin over to me. (Chapter 12) – It should be “passed”.



[8] For so many days, I counted many times that big liar's been on my mind. (Chapter 24) – It should be “… liar had been on my mind.” Past tense should be used consistently.



[9] Since that happened, his dad began to spend more time oversea. (Chapter 24) – It should be “overseas”.



Detail: 2/5

There are not a lot of details given and described. Basically, you are really telling the story at quite a minimum level. Try to show more of the story with vivid descriptions and add in more speech verbs, actions and tones for the characters. Strive on!


Writing Style: 7/10

Your writing style is pretty clear and direct. It is just that your chapters are all quite short and also I feel that you rush through your story whereby you do not account for the progression of change in feelings of characters. I think for Onew to fall in love with Yoo- Ri, for an example, it was too rapid and sudden. You lack vivid elaborations and descriptions too. Do work harder!


Overall Enjoyment: 6/10



Bonus: 5/5

I AM A BIG FAN OF SHINee! =D



Total: 60.5/100

Labels: th1rd3ye