Author: SHINeeStars
Story Title: More Than A Thief
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SHINeeStars01/
Reviewer: ShadowYin @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

Title: 4.5/5
Half a point taken a way because I think ‘More Than a Thief’ would look nicer. Not a big problem, but it’s just my opinion.

Poster/Background: 3/5
I think title should be bigger. It’s not really appealing to the eye.

Forewords: 6.5/10
I think it could’ve been better.
I love the fact you have quotes and other info, but the quotes doesn’t really grab the readers’ attention that much. Maybe another paragraph, which makes the reader think more about your storyline, would be better?

Plot: 11.5/15
I thought the plot was quite weird? Firstly, if she had money to begin with, why didn’t she just pay? Surely, if Jonghyun told the media that a model refused to pay, Gyuri would be the one embarrassed, right? If you think logically, Jonghyun had the upper hand as it would surely cause a lot of commotion.
Secondly, they were in an elevator together. She got out; surely Jonghyun would’ve continued to follow her. So why did you include: ‘It wasn’t long until she realized her stalker -- that annoying boy.’ Was he not with her the entire time?

Originality: 7.5/10
I like how you made a celebrity a thief, even though it didn’t make much sense to me. However, it still didn’t seem original to me.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 10.5/15
Gyuri muttered as she panted running down the street trying to tear away from the hawk-eyes of fans screaming as they continue to run after her.

…panted running (awkward?)
Suggestion – Better vocabulary?
Use comas?

My version:
Gyuri muttered as she panted heavily since she ran down the street, trying to tear away from the screaming fans with hawk-eyes, who continued to chase her.

You wrote:
Sprinting, JongHyun was about caught up with the shoplifter.

My version:
Sprinting, JongHyun nearly caught up with the shoplifter. (because this sentence seemed to link on to the next and it also seems incomplete, I would also add ‘however’…But that’s my opinion.)

You wrote:
" Yah, (random space? You did this for all the dialogue when it really, shouldn’t have a space between the speech mark and the word.)

Spelling errors:
Spotable – Spottable
Hurrily – Hurriedly

I personally think some of your word ordering was slightly awkward, but I’m not too sure whether they are correct or not, so I’m not going to pull your points down because of them.

-

Conclusion:
Quite a lot of mixing tenses.
Punctuation errors
Random spaces when it wasn’t necessary
Need a wider vocabulary

Detail: 3/5
I really couldn’t see much detail in your fanfic.

Writing Style: 6.5/10
Please be CONSISTANT of which person you’re writing in. The constant changing makes it difficult for the reader to follow.

You wrote:
Time seemed to have paused for awhile. It was unusual--it was completely abnormal. Usually by now, Gyuri would've slapped the guy and left, but this time, she couldn't bring herself to.
For 10 seconds, I found this blonde boy attractive.
-

She used ‘she’ and then you used ‘I’. Sometimes it might be better to include ____’s P.O.V just in case. They can be very annoying, but it keeps the reader on track of what’s actually happening.

-

To be honest, there was too much dialogue and not enough description. There was so much dialogue it was almost hard to keep track of who was talking and how they deliver their lines. Also, the masses of dialogue speeded up the writing itself.


Overall Enjoyment: 7/10
It was a cool one-shot, and I enjoyed it.

Bonus: 4/5
Original couple
I quite liked the ending
You made your own poster
You requested at Shredded Hearts

Total: 66/100
I hope this review would be helpful to you to improve your writings in future. You’ve got a good imagination. Hwaiting!

Labels: ShadowYin

Author: SHINeeStars
Story Title: In The End, It Was I
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SHINeeStars/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

Title: 4/5

I think this title is rather interesting since readers will be curious who the “I” was. However, this title made use of relatively simple words and is rather long. Simple words work wonders at times but not every time.



Poster/Background: 2/5

I feel that the overall appearance was rather messy. In addition, the mood and atmosphere of the story are not really displayed through the poster and background. The poster is relatively simple and not that alluring as well as a little plain. Do strive on! I am glad that at least the font colours used are appropriate.


Forewords: 6/10

Your foreword was quite short in length. There was no concise summary. Though you provided a basic character list, you did not include some background information on them. Also, you revealed too much about Jong Hyun being the main male lead that the female lead will choose in the end. The suspense is literally killed at the foreword. The foreword is supposed to be alluring, to lure your readers to delve into reading. I like how you had made the characters ‘speak’ their minds at the forewords. However, you can surely improve in many more areas. Perhaps, you can include more information about Onew as well, plus the settings of the story and more significant quotes said by unidentified speakers. Strive on.


Plot: 8/15

The plot is quite cliché. I am sorry to say this but I got bored after a few chapters. There were not enough twists to keep the story going. The developments were expected in a way. I think maybe you revealed too much through your foreword and poster. Thus, my interest in reading on decreased to a certain extent.


Originality: 11/20

Same comment as “Plot”, since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 9.5/15

Usage of tenses was confusing and ever-changing somehow. It was too inconsistent. In addition, you seemed to be lazy at putting ‘ . I did not include them in the errors liseted but one example would be “doesnt”. I think you should just write “doesn’t”. This will make your story look more professional at the very least. Vocabulary used is relatively simple and can definitely be improved. Do strive on!



[1] Judging from the silence inthe house, Appa wasn't home; he was at school. Appa's the principal of the school. (Chapter 2) – I think you forgot to space the words “in the” apart. Anyway, that is not the main point. The thing is that I am confused over the usage of tenses in your story. I know you are trying to differentiate the past and the present in the story. However, in this case, the father’s job remained the same in the story. I think you should use past tense consistently.



[2] I buttoned the collared shirt with the last 3 button opened (Chapter 2) – It should be “buttons” since there were three of them. I would prefer to spell the number out if it was less than a hundred. That was what I was taught to do. [:p]



[3] I'm more use to using that. (Chapter 3) – It should be “used to”. Or, you can try using “accustomed to”.



[4] Vicky sat down in a seat next to Onew as the teacher continued the interupted class. (Chapter 3) – This sentence did not really make sense to me. I did not understand “the teacher continued the interupted class”. I think you meant that “the teacher continued to teach the class despite it being interrupted.” You had misspelled the word “interrupted” as well, though it may be a typo.



[5] I decided to avoid her for now, while I figure myself out. (Chapter 6) – The confusion of the usage of tenses is present here. I suppose you should use “while I was going to figure myself out.”



[6] Your part of the project. (Chapter 7) – You’re part of the project.



[7] JongHyun laughed as he pass a napkin over to me. (Chapter 12) – It should be “passed”.



[8] For so many days, I counted many times that big liar's been on my mind. (Chapter 24) – It should be “… liar had been on my mind.” Past tense should be used consistently.



[9] Since that happened, his dad began to spend more time oversea. (Chapter 24) – It should be “overseas”.



Detail: 2/5

There are not a lot of details given and described. Basically, you are really telling the story at quite a minimum level. Try to show more of the story with vivid descriptions and add in more speech verbs, actions and tones for the characters. Strive on!


Writing Style: 7/10

Your writing style is pretty clear and direct. It is just that your chapters are all quite short and also I feel that you rush through your story whereby you do not account for the progression of change in feelings of characters. I think for Onew to fall in love with Yoo- Ri, for an example, it was too rapid and sudden. You lack vivid elaborations and descriptions too. Do work harder!


Overall Enjoyment: 6/10



Bonus: 5/5

I AM A BIG FAN OF SHINee! =D



Total: 60.5/100

Labels: th1rd3ye

Author: Susan Lee :]
Story Title: 2+2 Could Equal Me And You
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/suxsan4/
Reviewer: ShadowYin @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



Title: 4.5/5

Creative, unique, related, and it rhymes. However half point taken away because I think the ‘And’ should be ‘and’ instead. Besides from that it’s perfect.


Poster/Background: 5/5

Unique and beautiful.


Forewords: 8/10

It’s simple and to the point, however a little too short for my liking.


Plot: 14/15

I love it!!! There was so much to it!!! Amazed me so much!

But I thought the part were a lot of celebrities just happened to be in the same school was a bit over the top…? I thought Eunhyuk, Jay and Yoobin being in the same school were a brilliant twist to the story, and I was so shocked when I read that part.



Originality: 18.5/10

Very original and very fun to read. Fanfic with tutors, I have read those before, but this one is just exceptional. A lot of details, well done!

Once of the most original writings I’ve read.



Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 9/15

Minor errors were constantly appearing. Suggest proof reading…examples:



Instead he grabbed his mouse and click rapidly (…grabbed and clicked…)



…and saw him a GET-OUT-OF-THE-WAY look. (AND GAVE…?)



…not you're new best friend (YOUR not YOU’RE) and …if your smart or not? (YOU’RE not YOUR) <- This happened a lot throughout your fic. Remember, ‘you’re’ = ‘you are’ and ‘your’ is possessive, like ‘your bag’ and ‘your pen’ etc.



He rubbed him head on mine (his)



This makes know sense... (NO, not KNOW)



Pices - Should be Pisces



Typos like: int he


Detail: 5/5

A lot of detail there. Great job!



Writing Style: 8/10



Nice use of

Similes

Metaphors

Rhetorical questions

Personification



It’s good. I would say something about the dialogue, but I love it too much xD! The dialogue really shows the characters’ personality.


Overall Enjoyment: 10/10

I had a lot of fun reading your fic! I L.O.V.E.D it :)

Omg!!! Seulong was there too!! Haha~ So happy ^^



Bonus: 5/5

Seulong!

Really fun to read

Original

Really cute

For have the highest total in all the fanfics I’ve reviewed so far :



Total: 87/100

BTW, you got yourself a new reader ;)

Labels: ShadowYin

Author: CherryChocol8

Story Title: Losing You

Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/JaeMinstory/

Reviewer: morning_glory @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



Title: 2/5 Your title is okay, but it gives the main point away. Also, it’s not really that interesting, eye-catching.



Poster/Background: 3/5 Your poster is nice, your background is as well, but your font was a bit hard to see at times. You could consider changing to a different color.



Forewords: 5/10 Your forewords introduced the characters well, but you could put some character descriptions as well. Also, there could also have been a summary and/or a teaser, to interest readers.



Plot: 10/15 Your plot is interesting, even though it has been used many times, the uniqueness of each chapter makes it your own. The additional characters were added skillfully, without any strange entrances. You also didn’t have any sections that were unnecessary or just not relating to the main point of your story. You had a great balance of description and dialogue, keep it up. There were some good twists that made the story unique, interesting the readers that much more.



Originality: 14/20 Your plot is similar to many of the ones on Winglin, but there are subtle differences that make your story stand out, making it original.



Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 13/15 Your grammar and spelling are good, there are some grammar problems, but nothing major. Your punctuation is in all of the right places, and your vocabulary has a lot of variety, so that’s very good as well.



Detail: 3/5 You went into a lot of detail about the characters, but there didn’t seem to be much about the settings, or the things that they did. Keep working on it.



Writing Style: 8/10 Your writing style seems to be in a kind of diary form, because Changmin’s POV seems as if he’s talking to the readers, instead of the readers watching what’s happening. It’s an interesting way of writing, but there is an adequate amount of descriptions and dialogue, so you can keep working on it!



Overall Enjoyment: 10/10 This story was enjoyable to me, and I really enjoyed reviewing it. :)



Bonus: 2/5 2 Bonus pts: 1 for writing a story and requesting reviews from Shredded Hearts, and 1 for writing a great story. Good luck!



Total: 70/100

Labels: morning_glory