Title: Love Disguise

Author: jstcallmeunish :)

Reviewer: th1rd3ye



Title: 3/5

The word “love” is overused in many titles. Thus, your title seems common and typical. Together with the word “disguise”, your title appears a little more interesting, but your title most probably will be lost in the long list of titles.



Forewords: 7.5/10

Your foreword was not too bad. I think that you had included most of the elements that I was looking for such a basic character list with some background information, as well as a brief and concise summary of the story. You had also included questions to tempt the readers to read more. I think you could have done better if you had added some significant quotes said by the characters.


Plot: 9/15

Your overall plot was not too bad, refreshing in a way, since I seldom read guy-guy love stories. However, the ideas of being one’s slave to even pretending to be sick are typical drama plots used. Therefore, I was hoping that you could have added more of your own ideas and developments.


Creativity/Originality: 7/10

Same comment as plot since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.


Flow (speed): 13/15

The flow of your story was quite consistent and developments in the story happened smoothly. However, I just find the falling-in-love part too fast. I was thinking that you could have added more significant events to portray and emphasis on the changes in feelings from Yunho towards Jae Joong and vice versa.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: 2/15

You had a lot of grammatical errors throughout your story. You had used rather simple words and I think you can do better in vocabulary. Punctuation could be improved too. You had really a lot of typo errors. Please do proofread more. With so many unnecessary errors, you showed a lack of care and concern. Please do be more meticulous in your work so that your whole story would appear to be neater and more professional. Do strive on. Examples or errors include:



[1] He have many stalkers and many were obsessed with him. (Foreword) – “He” is singular. So you should have used “has” instead of “have”.



[2] ... will this make their realationship better??? or will it make worst??? (Foreword) – Note that you had firstly misspelled the word “relationship”. Also, after the “…”, you should use capitalization for the first letter of the next word. In addition, you had left out a word, making your question sounding very incoherent. It should be “Or, will this make their relationship worse?” or you could have written “Or, will this worsen their relationship even further?”



[3] chocolates and many other stuffs were delivered to my house although a first I really liked it (Chapter 1) – Typo error. It should be “at” instead of an “a”.



[4] “ Are you alright??? you're like spaced out he whole time” (Chapter 1) – The “you’re” should be capitalized, “You’re”. Also, there is another typo error. It should be “the” and not “he”.



[5] I took a peek at Sungmin's room. He's already sleeping (Chapter 1) – Note the sudden change in tenses (which occurred throughout the story). It should be “He was already sleeping.” Past tense should be used consistently.



[6] Thank you M. Kong. (Chapter 1) – Typo. It should be “Mr. Kong”



[7] And so he girl an away because yunho is so mean. (Chapter 1) – Typo error again. It should be “the girl”.



[8] Why did you bought a very small house Jaejoong?! (Chapter 2) – After modals such as “might” or “will” or “could”, or words like “did” or “do” or “to”, the base form of the following verb should be used. I mean that the following verb should not be in past tense or in “-ing” form. In this case, you should have written, “Why did you buy…?” and not “Why did you bought…?”



[9] Heechul then pi\oint a finger at my face and continue laughing. (Chapter 2) – Typo error. It should be “pointed”. Also, you should use “continued” instead of “continue”. Note your tenses. Past tense should be used consistently.



[10] “To shut you mouth…” (Chapter 2) - Typo error. “To shut your mouth…”



[11] So now your deaf?! (Chapter 2) – Punctuation or typo error. It should be “So now, you’re deaf?” and not “your deaf”.



[12] Go punched me then (Chapter 2) – It should be “punch” since the punching had not occurred.



[13] Argh those girl are really getting on my nerves. (Chapter 3) – Since you used “are”, the noun before that should be in plural form. It should be “girls”.



[14] but Jaejoong if you won’t appea at the gym I’m sure he’ll be beating you up more th next time he’ll see you. (Chapter 3) – Typo errors. It should be “appear” and “the next time”. Please note.



[15] let me first lnd you some clothes (Chapter 3) – Typo error. It should be “find”. Also, capitalize your L for “Let”.



[16] He keeps on ordering stupid, ridiculous things that won’t benefit him or others. (Chapter 5) – Note the sudden change in tenses. You used present (keeps) and then past tense (won’t) so abruptly. Keep to past tense. It should be “He kept on…that won’t benefit him or others.”



[17] I hissed a him n Japanese (Chapter 8) – Typo errors. “I hissed at him in Japanese.”



*Note to Author: The many typo errors are rather annoying. Please keep them to a minimum if you do not wish to deter readers from continue reading. Try your best and do work harder!



Writing Style: 6/10

Your writing style is pretty easy to comprehend. It is rather neat too. However, please do use more proper Standard English and add in more details to further spice up your story. There are few descriptions. If you are using a foreign language, I suggest for you to add the English translations in brackets after the sentences in the foreign languages.


Characterization: 6.5/10

Characterisation was not very well done. Their personalities can be seen on the most basic level. As for their feelings and thoughts, you did include them. However, you could have done better if you describe more about their appearances and added in more of their tones, body languages and facial expressions. All of these could have helped in enhancing the characterisation.


Setting/Details: 5.5/10

As I have mentioned earlier, you did not include many details and descriptions. You did try perhaps. For example, you mentioned the “geeky glasses”. However, you could have done better by describing its colour and the size of its lens. You could have also described more about how it looked on Jae Joong, truly transforming him from a handsome young man into a shy-looking and nerdy guy who appeared to be introverted and only interested in books.


Subtotal: 59.5/100


Bonus: 4.5/5

I am a BIG fan of DBSK and Super Junior! However, I deducted zero point five since I found your font colours chosen were too light, especially against the colorful and striking background. I hope you can change your fonts to darker shades of colours.


Total: 64/100

Labels: th1rd3ye