Author: Airah
Story Title: Whispers in the Dark
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/whispers_dark/
Reviewer: Yunni


Title: 5/5
I really like your title. Short, beautiful, and to the point. Intriguing, and it foreshadows your story well.

Poster/Background: 5/5
Fitting to the mood and beautifully designed.

Forewords: 5/10
Okay, big reasons for this mark: your forewords were too short. It's good that you have your notes, characters, and a plot summary, but there isn't enough. You're missing everything else about this story- the genre and things like that. Also, about your plot summary- I think it's great you have one, but it is simply too short. Since you know what you're going to write about, why not use that and actually write a more detailed summary that will hook more readers into your story?
Also, a little deducted for disorganization- you have most of the essentials, but why separate the author notes? Why not just put them in one place instead to avoid having things spread out all over the place?

Plot: 12/15
I like your plot a lot because of all the suspense it creates, even in the forewords. Good job =)

Originality: 14/20
Points went down here because

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 6/15
I think that you did really well with keeping the story in the same tense throughout, but even the best authors have mistakes. Let me mention that I have OCD about grammar, so I tend to be harsh when grading this section.
These are reoccurring mistakes that happen throughout your story; here are just some examples and how to do it properly.
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I lay awake on my bed. I hear murmurs, mumblings. I can never understand what they mean.



So this is a simple error. You only offset words with commas if you are listing more than two. Also, ‘mumblings’ is not a word. “murmers, mumblings” should be written as “murmers and mumbles.” And humans do not ‘lay’. The term ‘lay’ is used in situations such as chickens LAYING eggs. The correct word would be “lie”. “I lie awake on my bed”.

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Only in the day-or when it's bright-that I can't hear whispers.



I can see what you’re doing here. But the problem is, you used hyphens “-“ instead of using dashes “—“. There’s a slight differences between the two. Hyphens have a function close to that of the colon “:” and dashes work sort of like commas. When offsetting a different idea, always remember to use dashes or commas because hyphens intend to extend on a specific idea, not go off from the original topic.

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Why should I be relief when I know it's going to happen anyways?



Here, the only mistake you had was that “relief” should be “relieved”. “relief” is in noun form and “relieved” is in past tense verb form. :)

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He hits me on the head and said, "Then, will you stop sighing? You're making us depress."Hyung said.



You included the “said” part twice, and “depress” should be in past tense here: “depressed”.

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"*sigh*...it's ok hyung."I said and he hurries out the room. Even though I really want to know what she's sorry for.



When you write dialogue, this is the proper format: “blahblahlblahblah,” said Someone. Make sure you end the quote with a comma, THEN the close quote, THEN the “said”. And your tense is jumbled here. “said” is in past tense, so “hurries” should be “hurried” and “want” should be “wanted” in order for the sentence to be completely in past tense.

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Hm...Let's see...Ah!Here it is!



You’re missing the space between “Ah!” and “Here it is!” It wasn’t a big error. It was probably a small typo, so I didn’t really dock points.

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"Too much question."I said. Wow! That's all I could think off!



First of all, “question” should be plural: “questions”. Secondly, because question is plural, instead of “much”, you should have used “many”.

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I smile. "_____-ah!You're not boring! This is one of the best day off ever!"

There are only two simple errors here. They could have been typos. “You’re not boring! This is one of the best days off, ever!” is the correct form of your sentence. Because you’re saying that this day is ONE OF the best DAYS, “day” needs to be pluralized. And the comma sets a pause. Since you’re adding the “ever” at the end for emphasis, it’s best to separate it with a comma.

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Love can't be stopped. Or can 'it'?

By putting “it” between quotes, you are suggesting that it does not mean “Love” but it means something else. If it DOES mean something besides “Love” from the previous sentence “Love can’t be stopped”, then the following sentence “Or can ‘it’” becomes ambiguous and the reader does not know what you are talking about. So either get rid of the quotation marks, or describe and elaborate more on what “it” is.

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(This is the surprise which can ruin the ending: http://www.desktoprating.com/wallpapers/car-and-motorcycles-wallpaper
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In addition to these things, consider widening your vocabulary. That would really boost this story up a lot. [special credits to Faithy for this part =]

Detail: 2.5/5
There really wasn't very much detail in the fic. You could have included more, filled in all the gaps, but there was hardly anything. Also, as I've mentioned before-
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(Sorry im bad at descriptions!Here's what he looks like:http://www.allkpop.com.lg1x1.simplecdn.net/images/uploads/2009_stories/20090628_donghae01_thumb.jpg
and here's the hat: http://rlv.zcache.com/ai_love_light_blue_hat-p148873569611055965trcw_210.jpg)
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Try to describe them the best you can, and include the links at the end of the chapter, because when you stick something random like that in there, it completely steers the reader away from the story and all emotion cuts off when it could be better.

Writing Style: 6/10
Everyone has a different writing style. I think that sometimes, short and brief is good, but there are gaps when the whole story is like that. It doesn't seem that there's anything the author is doing to contribute to the story itself except just writing it out.


Overall Enjoyment: 6/10

Bonus: 3/5
-For the suspense
-For making it angst
-For communicating with readers

Total: 64.5/100

Labels: Yunni