Author: mbwzy
Story Title: Reincarnation (COMPLETED)
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/mbwzy/
Reviewer: ShadowYin @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com


*This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.*

Title: 3/5

Special, simple, related. Not very creative though.


Poster/Background: 3/5

Unique, but it’s not really appealing to the eye. At first I found it quite nice, but then it started to get a little annoying.


Forewords: 6/10

Some slightly awkward sentences. (Read Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary)

Could’ve explained a bit more and I suggest you proof read, also it’s annoying to find so many errors so early in the fanfic. The main idea was interesting though, and it summarises the fanfic rather nicely.


Plot: 7/15

I was, generally disappointed in chapter 3. There was so much which could’ve happened when they were separated from their grandparents. Fine, you let them reunite, but then you said they had amnesia. So why didn’t you make something out of it? There was so much more you could’ve written to have made it more interesting. The plot was interesting in a way; however because of the way it was written, it was really hard to absorb what was actually in the plot. The plot has its uniqueness, yet I also sensed from clichés going on. Some parts I felt weren’t really realistic. Of course, fanfic is all about imagination and creativity, however the way you write should make your plot sound real as well as believable. You might’ve gained more marks in this area if you elaborated a little more to make it sound more realistic. Describing would also improve in this area, because a lot of the time you were listing all the actions which increased the pace of your fanfic, therefore making it less realistic for the readers. Remember, the reader can’t imagine the fanfic in your head if you don’t give them enough descriptions.



You added scenes with Weslee and Jiro. To be honest, I really don’t recommend scenes like those. I’m not against it, but they are really hard to perfect. It’s every girl’s dream to meet their idol, and as authors it’s hard to not put yourself into the girl’s shoes. In my opinion, there wasn’t enough information for me to accept that scene. So many questions, such as where are all the other people? What would their reaction be? If a girl really was lying on Jiro, someone is bound to take pictures and send it off the magazine agency’s right?



The whole reincarnation idea was also pretty shallow. I’ll elaborate on that later on the review.


Originality: 7/20

Like I said, it felt cliché due to the lack of descriptions. I wasn’t really keen on quite a few scenes. Some seemed like there were just added without a purpose. Originality is all about making it seem like it’s from your own imagination, therefore it requires creativity and details. Some parts where you could’ve elaborated were a chance for you use your creativity. You could’ve added a twist to something which is considered cliché in order to make it your own.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 5.5/15

First of all I’ll like the mention, your lack of vocabulary really made the writing less interesting even though your general idea was rather nice. Your grammar errors didn’t really help either.

Occasionally, I found you missing out words, misspelling words, or you didn’t include any spaces when they were needed. I’ve found a few examples that I really think you should take a note of.



You wrote:

Reincarnation is something that is not heard that much often.



My version:

Reincarnation is something that is not heard of that often.

-

You wrote:

When we see the world,don't you wonder where we came from?All… (Where are all the spaces? This continued to happen throughout your forewords.)

-

You wrote:

I don't see,hear or feel anything. (SPACES)



Either:

I couldn’t…

Or

I didn’t…



You wrote: the relate... (should be the relationship. It makes more sense in that way…)



This sentence is a little bit too long in my opinion:

He is still sixty-two besides remember this, I had a dream but I didn't chase it so I wanted my son to chase it but again he didn't chase it, he didnt chase his dream to become a doctor and now your his child, this time, I want the both of you to go for it and chase your dreams, don't let this business stop it.



My version:

He is still sixty-two. Besides, remember this: I had a dream before but I didn't chase after it, so I wanted my son to chase his dreams, but he didn’t. He didn’t fulfil his dreams as a doctor. This time, I want both of you to go for it, chase your dreams and don't let our family business stop it.



You wrote:

Where on a restaurant…



My version:

We’re in a restaurant.



You wrote: OMG (this review is marking on your English; therefore this would have to bring your marks down.)



You wrote ‘stake’ when it should’ve been ‘steak’, you can’t eat a stake.



Weslee can’t say ‘we’re brothers’ when she’s a girl herself. It should’ve been ‘we’re siblings’.



You wrote: Your name was Winter.You live in the same country but then you have a poor life.You have twelve siblings.



My version: Your name was Winter. You lived in the same country, but you had a poor life. You also had twelve siblings.



My conclusion:

I saw errors almost on every single line.

Typos.

No spaces when needed.

No paragraphs.

Lack of vocab.


Detail: 1.5/5

Like I said, you could’ve expanded so much.


Writing Style: 3/10

I like structured writing. When I opened your first chapter, I couldn’t see much of a structure going on, and starting from chapter 3 there was none. There were no paragraphs what-so-ever. At first sight, I didn’t want to read it. You need to break it up to make it easier for the readers. Paragraphs are used for a reason, so please use it.



Here, you’ve got six sentences. Try use some connectives to link them.

Hi my name is Winter. I'm fifteen years old. I live in Philippines. I have twelve siblings. My family is really poor. I only reached grade six.



Example:

Hi, my name is Winter and I’m currently fifteen years old, studying at grade six. I live in the Philippines along with my twelve younger siblings…



See? You could’ve easily made the six sentences into two; this makes your writing flows better. I didn’t really like the fact the way you continued with your short sentences. Short sentences are used to create an impact. They are short and snappy for a reason, and the way you used it wasn’t effective on the reader.



Your short sentences increased the pace of the story, try connecting them, and probably describe the events in more detail to gain more marks in this section.



And to be honest, it would be better to start a new line for a different speaker when you’re using dialogues.



A little bit of dramatic irony going on in chapters 7 and 8, which is good.


Overall Enjoyment: 2/10

In all honesty, the storyline is slightly shallow; especially when Weslee was willing to give up everything to the people she loved when she didn’t even know them. How much did she actually love the people from her previous life? If she can’t remember, why does she bother? If she has a different life, then she should continue, because she’s not Winter, she’s Weslee. If she had reincarnated, wouldn’t her dead family also reincarnate? You said she has reunited with her family, however what has that got to do with her previous life as Winter?



I really didn’t like this line: "Mom!Sorry I troubled you!I'm so sorry!Help us!!!"

First, forget about the spaces, but if Weslee really did love her mum like you said, would she really tell her to save them? Since there’s always the chance that they would kill her mother too. I personally don’t think you’ve put enough consideration to the human emotions. Chapter 17 should’ve been a very emotional chapter, yet I couldn’t feel any of it.



A lot of grammar and punctuation mistakes. A lot of sentences were awkward. It was really hard to enjoy.


Bonus: 1/5

You managed to complete this fic.


Total: 39/100

Labels: ShadowYin