Author: mbwzy
Story Title: Reincarnation (COMPLETED)
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/mbwzy/
Reviewer: ShadowYin @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com


*This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.*

Title: 3/5

Special, simple, related. Not very creative though.


Poster/Background: 3/5

Unique, but it’s not really appealing to the eye. At first I found it quite nice, but then it started to get a little annoying.


Forewords: 6/10

Some slightly awkward sentences. (Read Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary)

Could’ve explained a bit more and I suggest you proof read, also it’s annoying to find so many errors so early in the fanfic. The main idea was interesting though, and it summarises the fanfic rather nicely.


Plot: 7/15

I was, generally disappointed in chapter 3. There was so much which could’ve happened when they were separated from their grandparents. Fine, you let them reunite, but then you said they had amnesia. So why didn’t you make something out of it? There was so much more you could’ve written to have made it more interesting. The plot was interesting in a way; however because of the way it was written, it was really hard to absorb what was actually in the plot. The plot has its uniqueness, yet I also sensed from clichés going on. Some parts I felt weren’t really realistic. Of course, fanfic is all about imagination and creativity, however the way you write should make your plot sound real as well as believable. You might’ve gained more marks in this area if you elaborated a little more to make it sound more realistic. Describing would also improve in this area, because a lot of the time you were listing all the actions which increased the pace of your fanfic, therefore making it less realistic for the readers. Remember, the reader can’t imagine the fanfic in your head if you don’t give them enough descriptions.



You added scenes with Weslee and Jiro. To be honest, I really don’t recommend scenes like those. I’m not against it, but they are really hard to perfect. It’s every girl’s dream to meet their idol, and as authors it’s hard to not put yourself into the girl’s shoes. In my opinion, there wasn’t enough information for me to accept that scene. So many questions, such as where are all the other people? What would their reaction be? If a girl really was lying on Jiro, someone is bound to take pictures and send it off the magazine agency’s right?



The whole reincarnation idea was also pretty shallow. I’ll elaborate on that later on the review.


Originality: 7/20

Like I said, it felt cliché due to the lack of descriptions. I wasn’t really keen on quite a few scenes. Some seemed like there were just added without a purpose. Originality is all about making it seem like it’s from your own imagination, therefore it requires creativity and details. Some parts where you could’ve elaborated were a chance for you use your creativity. You could’ve added a twist to something which is considered cliché in order to make it your own.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 5.5/15

First of all I’ll like the mention, your lack of vocabulary really made the writing less interesting even though your general idea was rather nice. Your grammar errors didn’t really help either.

Occasionally, I found you missing out words, misspelling words, or you didn’t include any spaces when they were needed. I’ve found a few examples that I really think you should take a note of.



You wrote:

Reincarnation is something that is not heard that much often.



My version:

Reincarnation is something that is not heard of that often.

-

You wrote:

When we see the world,don't you wonder where we came from?All… (Where are all the spaces? This continued to happen throughout your forewords.)

-

You wrote:

I don't see,hear or feel anything. (SPACES)



Either:

I couldn’t…

Or

I didn’t…



You wrote: the relate... (should be the relationship. It makes more sense in that way…)



This sentence is a little bit too long in my opinion:

He is still sixty-two besides remember this, I had a dream but I didn't chase it so I wanted my son to chase it but again he didn't chase it, he didnt chase his dream to become a doctor and now your his child, this time, I want the both of you to go for it and chase your dreams, don't let this business stop it.



My version:

He is still sixty-two. Besides, remember this: I had a dream before but I didn't chase after it, so I wanted my son to chase his dreams, but he didn’t. He didn’t fulfil his dreams as a doctor. This time, I want both of you to go for it, chase your dreams and don't let our family business stop it.



You wrote:

Where on a restaurant…



My version:

We’re in a restaurant.



You wrote: OMG (this review is marking on your English; therefore this would have to bring your marks down.)



You wrote ‘stake’ when it should’ve been ‘steak’, you can’t eat a stake.



Weslee can’t say ‘we’re brothers’ when she’s a girl herself. It should’ve been ‘we’re siblings’.



You wrote: Your name was Winter.You live in the same country but then you have a poor life.You have twelve siblings.



My version: Your name was Winter. You lived in the same country, but you had a poor life. You also had twelve siblings.



My conclusion:

I saw errors almost on every single line.

Typos.

No spaces when needed.

No paragraphs.

Lack of vocab.


Detail: 1.5/5

Like I said, you could’ve expanded so much.


Writing Style: 3/10

I like structured writing. When I opened your first chapter, I couldn’t see much of a structure going on, and starting from chapter 3 there was none. There were no paragraphs what-so-ever. At first sight, I didn’t want to read it. You need to break it up to make it easier for the readers. Paragraphs are used for a reason, so please use it.



Here, you’ve got six sentences. Try use some connectives to link them.

Hi my name is Winter. I'm fifteen years old. I live in Philippines. I have twelve siblings. My family is really poor. I only reached grade six.



Example:

Hi, my name is Winter and I’m currently fifteen years old, studying at grade six. I live in the Philippines along with my twelve younger siblings…



See? You could’ve easily made the six sentences into two; this makes your writing flows better. I didn’t really like the fact the way you continued with your short sentences. Short sentences are used to create an impact. They are short and snappy for a reason, and the way you used it wasn’t effective on the reader.



Your short sentences increased the pace of the story, try connecting them, and probably describe the events in more detail to gain more marks in this section.



And to be honest, it would be better to start a new line for a different speaker when you’re using dialogues.



A little bit of dramatic irony going on in chapters 7 and 8, which is good.


Overall Enjoyment: 2/10

In all honesty, the storyline is slightly shallow; especially when Weslee was willing to give up everything to the people she loved when she didn’t even know them. How much did she actually love the people from her previous life? If she can’t remember, why does she bother? If she has a different life, then she should continue, because she’s not Winter, she’s Weslee. If she had reincarnated, wouldn’t her dead family also reincarnate? You said she has reunited with her family, however what has that got to do with her previous life as Winter?



I really didn’t like this line: "Mom!Sorry I troubled you!I'm so sorry!Help us!!!"

First, forget about the spaces, but if Weslee really did love her mum like you said, would she really tell her to save them? Since there’s always the chance that they would kill her mother too. I personally don’t think you’ve put enough consideration to the human emotions. Chapter 17 should’ve been a very emotional chapter, yet I couldn’t feel any of it.



A lot of grammar and punctuation mistakes. A lot of sentences were awkward. It was really hard to enjoy.


Bonus: 1/5

You managed to complete this fic.


Total: 39/100

Labels: ShadowYin

Author: Airah
Story Title: Whispers in the Dark
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/whispers_dark/
Reviewer: Yunni


Title: 5/5
I really like your title. Short, beautiful, and to the point. Intriguing, and it foreshadows your story well.

Poster/Background: 5/5
Fitting to the mood and beautifully designed.

Forewords: 5/10
Okay, big reasons for this mark: your forewords were too short. It's good that you have your notes, characters, and a plot summary, but there isn't enough. You're missing everything else about this story- the genre and things like that. Also, about your plot summary- I think it's great you have one, but it is simply too short. Since you know what you're going to write about, why not use that and actually write a more detailed summary that will hook more readers into your story?
Also, a little deducted for disorganization- you have most of the essentials, but why separate the author notes? Why not just put them in one place instead to avoid having things spread out all over the place?

Plot: 12/15
I like your plot a lot because of all the suspense it creates, even in the forewords. Good job =)

Originality: 14/20
Points went down here because

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 6/15
I think that you did really well with keeping the story in the same tense throughout, but even the best authors have mistakes. Let me mention that I have OCD about grammar, so I tend to be harsh when grading this section.
These are reoccurring mistakes that happen throughout your story; here are just some examples and how to do it properly.
-

I lay awake on my bed. I hear murmurs, mumblings. I can never understand what they mean.



So this is a simple error. You only offset words with commas if you are listing more than two. Also, ‘mumblings’ is not a word. “murmers, mumblings” should be written as “murmers and mumbles.” And humans do not ‘lay’. The term ‘lay’ is used in situations such as chickens LAYING eggs. The correct word would be “lie”. “I lie awake on my bed”.

.

Only in the day-or when it's bright-that I can't hear whispers.



I can see what you’re doing here. But the problem is, you used hyphens “-“ instead of using dashes “—“. There’s a slight differences between the two. Hyphens have a function close to that of the colon “:” and dashes work sort of like commas. When offsetting a different idea, always remember to use dashes or commas because hyphens intend to extend on a specific idea, not go off from the original topic.

.

Why should I be relief when I know it's going to happen anyways?



Here, the only mistake you had was that “relief” should be “relieved”. “relief” is in noun form and “relieved” is in past tense verb form. :)

.

He hits me on the head and said, "Then, will you stop sighing? You're making us depress."Hyung said.



You included the “said” part twice, and “depress” should be in past tense here: “depressed”.

.

"*sigh*...it's ok hyung."I said and he hurries out the room. Even though I really want to know what she's sorry for.



When you write dialogue, this is the proper format: “blahblahlblahblah,” said Someone. Make sure you end the quote with a comma, THEN the close quote, THEN the “said”. And your tense is jumbled here. “said” is in past tense, so “hurries” should be “hurried” and “want” should be “wanted” in order for the sentence to be completely in past tense.

.

Hm...Let's see...Ah!Here it is!



You’re missing the space between “Ah!” and “Here it is!” It wasn’t a big error. It was probably a small typo, so I didn’t really dock points.

.

"Too much question."I said. Wow! That's all I could think off!



First of all, “question” should be plural: “questions”. Secondly, because question is plural, instead of “much”, you should have used “many”.

.

I smile. "_____-ah!You're not boring! This is one of the best day off ever!"

There are only two simple errors here. They could have been typos. “You’re not boring! This is one of the best days off, ever!” is the correct form of your sentence. Because you’re saying that this day is ONE OF the best DAYS, “day” needs to be pluralized. And the comma sets a pause. Since you’re adding the “ever” at the end for emphasis, it’s best to separate it with a comma.

.

Love can't be stopped. Or can 'it'?

By putting “it” between quotes, you are suggesting that it does not mean “Love” but it means something else. If it DOES mean something besides “Love” from the previous sentence “Love can’t be stopped”, then the following sentence “Or can ‘it’” becomes ambiguous and the reader does not know what you are talking about. So either get rid of the quotation marks, or describe and elaborate more on what “it” is.

.

(This is the surprise which can ruin the ending: http://www.desktoprating.com/wallpapers/car-and-motorcycles-wallpaper
.
In addition to these things, consider widening your vocabulary. That would really boost this story up a lot. [special credits to Faithy for this part =]

Detail: 2.5/5
There really wasn't very much detail in the fic. You could have included more, filled in all the gaps, but there was hardly anything. Also, as I've mentioned before-
.
(Sorry im bad at descriptions!Here's what he looks like:http://www.allkpop.com.lg1x1.simplecdn.net/images/uploads/2009_stories/20090628_donghae01_thumb.jpg
and here's the hat: http://rlv.zcache.com/ai_love_light_blue_hat-p148873569611055965trcw_210.jpg)
.
Try to describe them the best you can, and include the links at the end of the chapter, because when you stick something random like that in there, it completely steers the reader away from the story and all emotion cuts off when it could be better.

Writing Style: 6/10
Everyone has a different writing style. I think that sometimes, short and brief is good, but there are gaps when the whole story is like that. It doesn't seem that there's anything the author is doing to contribute to the story itself except just writing it out.


Overall Enjoyment: 6/10

Bonus: 3/5
-For the suspense
-For making it angst
-For communicating with readers

Total: 64.5/100

Labels: Yunni