Author: Christine
Story Title: Summer In Tokyo *Completed*

Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ChriStine5/

Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com/

Title: 3/5

Your title is not very interesting though it is not that common and too long. Your title lacks creativity.



Poster/Background: 3/5

The poster was neat but a little too plain. Your background was too plain and dull. However, I am glad that you had chosen an appropriate font colour. The overall appearance was clean and tidy, but it did not help to enhance the story’s mood and atmosphere.



Foreword: 3.5/10

Firstly, I think that you should have written the foreword yourself. The way your friend wrote is more of writing a recommendation to people for them to read your fanfic. Your foreword lacks characterisation, prologue, and summary of introduction of who the characters are. Your foreword is like blank. The only thing that is consistently emphasized was how your fanfic was going to be similar to an extraordinary fantasy.


Plot: 10/15

I would say that your plot started like a typical fan story. A female fan got to meet her idols and ended up falling in love happily. However, you had your own twists and developments, together with a bunch of interesting and wild characters. These help to make your story more appealing and alluring.


Originality: 16/20

Your originality can be inferred from how you plan the developments in your story differently. The overall plot though is typical.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 10.5/15

Your command of English is alright. There are errors here and there in the story but not too frequently. Your past tense was used rather consistently, which is good. However, your weakness is your punctuation (like me :p). There are quite a handful of long sentences without commas to separate them. Examples of some errors:

[1] Suddenly Christine screamed and said – This is weird since “screamed” is something like “said”. You can just use “screamed”. The word “said” is redundant. [Chapter 1]

[2] Christine pulled back not realizing that she has just hugged her crush and nodded her head vigorously while still smiling. – Too many actions were thrown into this one long sentence. It is either you try to break it into a few sentences or place commas. Also, there is a slight error in tense. The word “has” should not be used; it should be “had”. Maybe you can change it to, “Christine pulled back, not realizing that she had just hugged her crush. With a wide grin on her face, she shook her head vigorously.” [Chapter 1]

[3]And why the hell where they introducing themselves? – I suppose it is a typo. In addition, please do take note that you are not actually supposed to start your sentence with the conjunction “and”. It could be corrected to “Why the hell are they introducing themselves?” [Chapter 2]

[4] When she heard him say that she opened her eyes wide as a blush appeared on her face and she sat up on her bed. – Again, the same mistake as error [2]. I would modify this sentence into something like “When she heard him say that, her eyes widened. Her cheeks instantly flushed and she jerked up, sitting straight on her bed.” [Chapter 3]

[5] Why the hell is he volunteering to help me pack? She thought, looking at Ryo, who looked back at her with an indifferent look. – Quotation marks should be included to show that the thoughts were thoughts of Stephanie. It should be - “Why the hell is he volunteering to help me pack?” she thought, looking at Ryo, who sent her an indifferent look. [Chapter 34]


Detail: 3.5/5

Sufficient details were given in your completed story. However, I think descriptions to further portray the details vividly were insufficient. For example, not many adjectives had been used to describe the personalities of the characters. Adverbs were also not used frequently to better emboss images of characters’ actions into readers’ minds.


Writing Style: 8/10

Your writing style is neat and the words you used were easy to comprehend. Readers could easily follow your story. However, I think you need to improve on the pace of your story. Due to the difference (inconsistency) in the lengths of your chapters, the pace of your story was a little messy. Also, I noticed that you had used the word “said” many times. I suggest that you use other synonyms of “said” such as “murmured”, “groaned”, “bellowed”, “whimpered” and “sobbed”. All these speech verbs would be more telling and interesting that the word “said”. Do strive on.


Overall Enjoyment: 8/10

Your characters seemed to be too perfect and hence less realistic. However, I adore reading the interesting and lively interactions between them.


Bonus: 4.5/5

The length of the chapters was inconsistent, affecting the pace of the story. Other than that, I think you did a great job! =] Do strive on! You even got me interested in Japanese stars. =] You had also nicely placed English translations besides the Japanese words you used.


Total: 70/100

Labels: th1rd3ye