Author: SuperSapphire
Story Title: The Only Reason
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/SuperSapphire3/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

Title: 3.5/5

Your title is of appropriate length, but it is a rather common title. It is not very interesting but it does link back to the story in a way. So, I guess your title is alright.



Poster/Background: 4/5

Your poster was beautiful. The pictures used were put together neatly and nicely. You should really thank the designer. However, the background was a little too plain. Though your font colour suits the background, I would suggest that you change your title and subtitle font colours into darker shades of green. The appearance of the whole story was great!


Forewords: 6.5/10

You included a character list and also a summary of your story. However, I think you could impress your readers further if you added on more details such as some background information on the main characters. Also, I would love it if you could insert significant quotes said by main characters. You can do better.


Plot: 9/15

The overall plot was rather typical. It seemed like those dramatic plots overused in dramas nowadays. Committing a stupid mistake (like getting pregnant under aged), and then to being supportive of each other and then falling in love with each other, and lastly, there would be a happy ending. The fact that you had pulled in a third party, Jong Hyun, helped to spice the story up a little. I think you should also make Tae Min’s character more prominent in a way, since he seemed to treat his sister really nice, I thought there would be more exciting scenes like maybe Tae Min helping to defend his sister, against Onew. I would love more twists in the story. Do strive on.


Originality: 13/20

Same comment as “Plot”, since the plot you used would reveal your creativity and originality.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 8.5/15

Spelling and vocabulary were alright. You could improve your vocabulary though. I could see that you tried to describe the different tones, but you actually were still using the words like “said”, “yelled” and “cried” a lot. So maybe you could look up for more speech verbs such as “growled”, “snarled”, “wailed” and “bawled”. You could improve in your punctuation too. Grammatical errors were the major mistakes you had made throughout your story. Errors include:



[1] But it wasn't. (Chapter 1) – Try not to start with the conjunction “But”. Maybe, you could try to start off with “However” instead.



[2] Anyways, I've got a solution to our problem." Onew said using a cold and harsh tone of voice. (Chapter 1) – By right, the word “anyway” is spelled without the “s” behind. Also, when you had mentioned which Onew was using, you did not need to state the “of voice” behind. After the word “said”, you could add a comma too.



[3] What was he thinking? Aborting the baby? No way! Killing an innocent being is one of the things I'd never do. Now I'm still left with no choices at all. If I can't get rid of this baby, I'm going to have to keep it. Soon, my stomach will get bigger and bigger. I won't be able to hide it anymore by then. I think I should tell my someone before it's too late. (Chapter 2) – Note the abrupt changes in tenses. From past to present tenses, your usage of tenses is inconsistent. Past tense should be used consistently.



[4] I'm sorry, I couldn't fight for your life baby. (Chapter 2) – I suggest you to put a full stop after the word “sorry”, instead of a comma. This is more proper and would make your sentence more impactful. After the word “life”, you should add a comma, to show clearly who the speaker is addressing.



[5] She's not gettin rid of the baby. (Chapter 2) – You should spell the word “getting” fully.



[6] Onew, _________. (Chapter 3) – Since there are only two names, you should the conjunction “and” to link them together, instead of a comma.



[7] His eyes sparkling, his voice sounding so happy with every chuckle. (Chapter 17) – I would advice you to change your sentence since it is incoherent and incomplete. I would write “His eyes sparkled with delight as he chuckled merrily. His face glowed with happiness.”



[8] Onew did as I said. He seems pretty fine to me. He's not wobbling all over the place like he was before. (Chapter 17) – Same error as error [3] – abrupt changes in tenses. Past tense should be used consistently. Thus, it should be “He seemed pretty fine to me. He was not wobbling all over the place like he was before.”



Detail: 3/5

You had tried to provide details, but due to the lack of descriptive words and phrases, the details given were not really detailed. I hope you can understand what I am trying to say. :p Do strive on.


Writing Style: 7.5/10

Your writing style was alright. Simple words were used and hence readers could understand your story easily. You could use more sophisticated words and phrases to provide more vivid descriptions. Paragraphing was okay too. The pace of your story required improvement though. Sometimes, the chapters were too short. Try to keep the lengths of your chapters uniformed. In this way, the pace of your story would be somewhat more consistent.


Overall Enjoyment: 7/10



Bonus: 5/5

Onew is my ultimate bias. =] Jong Hyun is my second love from SHINee! =] With all these awesome guys, I have to give you five out of five. Do work harder. I had written SHINee’s stories too. =]

Onew’s: www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_onew_FM/

Jong Hyun’s: www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_jh_FFWA/

MinHo’s: www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_mh_FC/

Tae Min’s: www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_tm_Figment/

Key’s: www.winglin.net/fanfic/sss_key_FFK/



Total: 67/100

Labels: th1rd3ye