Author: Fynrile
Story Title: One Way Out (Yaoi)
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/fynrile3/
Reviewer: ShadowYin @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com


*This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.*


Title: 4/5

Simple, easy to remember, makes readers think what the ‘One Way Out’ is. I still can’t see how the plot relates to the title, but since it’s not finished yet, I’m guessing that that’s the reason.


Poster/Background: 2.5/5

It’s Kyumin right? Where’s Kyu? The title in the poster doesn’t stand out, you can easily miss it. I think the poster could be better. Don’t really see how it’s all related and such.


Forewords: 8/10

What I admired was that you captured the reader’s interest in your very first line. Because you used dialogue to begin your fanfic it makes it so much more interesting. I really liked it.

You’ve also included pictures which makes it easier for readers even if they didn’t know the artists themselves.



I personally LOVED your forewords, but I found some minor errors here and there, which ruined it a bit.



I personally love previews too, however, because you have so many it can be a little hard to keep up, and get the reader to lose interest because they’re so confused. Try to keep previews to the minimum. Only pick the ones which you think would give the maximum impact on the reader. That way you could also surprise your readers later on your fanfic. In other words, don’t give too much away.


Plot: 12.5/15

I was never a fan of yaoi, but I really enjoyed your fanfic.

The plot was interesting in a way, but since it’s uncompleted, there are still a lot of questions unanswered.

You definitely know how to shock me, I was really impressed. I’ll say your plot is pretty strong to be honest.


Originality: 16/20

Quite creative, I see you linking other artists as well. Even though you managed to shock me, it still didn’t seem that original. Some parts made me think you were really creative, like the names they used and such. On the contrary, scenes which allowed you to build up tension, you didn’t go into details with it which made your ideas seem like it was any other idea, and that it wasn’t really that special. There were some overused scenes in there, but because you mashed them all together in one fanfic, it made them less noticable. The best thing to do is to go into more depth with the descriptions on some scenes to make them yours. Some were just amazing.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 10/15



You wrote:

Suppressed memories and fear is what he lived on. (Mixing tenses here.)



My version:

Suppressed memories and fear WAS what he lived on.



You wrote:

Yesung looked concerned but it soon slipped away with the sight on Ryeowook trying to leave. (slightly awkward, and I think you could make use of comas.)



My version:

Yesung looked concerned, but… (I understood what you meant, but the rest of the sentence seemed slightly awkward. I’ll consider rephrasing it?)



You wrote:

Eeteuk looked at caring



My version:

Eeteuk looked caringly.



You wrote:

"You seemed to get mad… (mixed tensed…awkward.)



A lot of awkward sentences, punctuation, spaces, missing words, typos and grammar errors going on. I suggest proof reading.



A lot of ‘said’, ‘looked’ going on so it doesn’t show me that you’ve got a wide range of vocabulary, also, a lot of unnecessary ‘and’ s.


Detail: 2/5



In chapter one when Sungmin and Kangin were asking directions of a high school. Which high school? What if they gave directions to a high school which was on the other side of town? Not really realistic when you just put ‘high school’.



Also, there were lots of opportunities where you could’ve elaborated. Details make your fanfic seem real and believable. It’s also a way of making people think that this is actually your own idea.


Writing Style: 7/10

At the beginning nice use of similes, personifications, and short sentences, they were very effective.

At the beginning I was really impressed; I basically loved your writing style. However, I always link this section back to vocabulary, reason being the words you use really affects the style of your writing. You can have lovely creative vocabulary, but the repetition of ‘and’ and ‘said’ really ruined it. Remember, avoid simple words like ‘said’ and ‘and’ if possible, UNLESS you want to create an impact.



Your writing was a bit too fast at times which made it difficult for me to follow. Sometimes there were quite a lot of things happening in just a simple paragraph when you could’ve easily expanded it to make it more interesting.



Overall Enjoyment: 7/10

I liked it. I really enjoyed reading your fanfic. It was quite different from the other’s which I read.

The minor errors were quite annoying because I can to stop and think about what you were trying to say. I see that sometimes you were missing out random words which were probably due to the lack of proof reading.


Bonus: 3/5

loved the pictures

I see Ryeowook ^^

It was enjoyable


Total: 72/100



Sorry I wasn’t your preferred reviewer. Don’t really understand why the form said completed when in your fanfic you said it’s not completed, but I really enjoyed your fanfic. ^^. I suggest proof reading before you post, quite a lot of errors were spotted.

Also, I think I’m going to stalk your fic from now on. ^^ (once winglin lets me subscribe :D)

Labels: ShadowYin