Author: Yunni
Story Title: Kiss the Rain
Story URL: http://www. winglin.net/fanfic/_rainfall

Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Title: 4/5

The title is short, sweet and simple. However, it is common as many people already knew about such a title. (Yiruma’s piano pieces are really popular)


Poster/Background: 2.5/5

I think the overall appearance was too dark. The background was plain. The pictures in the poster did not fit with the mood of the story. In addition, I could not see Tae Min’s face in the poster. Do strive on. I am glad that the font colour fits well with the background.


Forewords: 7/10

The foreword was intriguing. I thought the point of view of the “I” was interesting and alluring. However, you did not reveal who was revealing his or her opinions. You should have revealed a little more. For example, I feel that you could have included some background information on the characters. Also, maybe, you could add some quoted into your foreword too. In addition, your foreword was rather short.


Plot: 8/15

The plot is too simple and too brief. Though it was a one-shot, I do not feel that I was reading any story. It seemed to be just a scene which two people said goodbye. The link with the rain was not very well established too. You could have written and inserted flashbacks of their interactions in the one shot such that the grief and impact would be harder.


Originality: 15.5/20

Your idea was pretty original, though there had been stories about idols and their loves separating and bidding teary farewells. However, you did not succeed in fully portraying your plot. The link with rain was one good idea but you did not capture it in your story properly. Do strive on.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 13/15

Your grammar, spelling and punctuation were fine. Your vocabulary could still be improved since you used rather simple words. Few errors were spotted.

[1] The sound of her voice washed everything away; the weariness of the day, the stress. (Chapter 1)– If you were only using two subjects, you should use a conjunction instead of a comma. You should have written “The sound of her voice washed everything away; the weariness of the day and the stress.”

[2] That's what he had always thought. (Chapter 1) – You should have written ‘That was what he had always thought.’, since you are to use past tense consistently.

[3] He stood there, phone clutched to his ear as he let the rain numb him, wash away his pain and longing, wash away his feelings. (Chapter 1) – Same error as error [1]. I would suggest you to write “He stood there, phone clutched tightly to his ear as he allow the rain to numb him, to wash away his pain and longing, and to rinse out his deep feelings.”



Detail: 3.5/5

The one shot was really short to include that many details in the first place. However, you had tried to describe and write about the settings, especially on the emptiness. I would like to comment on your efforts!


Writing Style: 8.5/10
Your writing style is pretty good and neat. Your story was clear and easy to comprehend. I hope you can improve on your paragraphing. One example would be at the part where you were describing about the emptiness around, with all the motion and people all gone. I felt that you could have allowed each subject to be in an individual paragraph. Instead of one whole paragraph like “There was no one out in the open, not even the flow of cars that never seemed to stop. Not a single person was there. Shops were closed. There was nothing but the continuous pouring of the rain.”, you could divide them into paragraphs accordingly. In this way, the emptiness around Tae Min would be built up and highlighted. The silent and mournful atmosphere would then be enhanced. Your ending was great though. The one big word “goodbye” on its own would be impactful.


Overall Enjoyment: 5/10

Bonus: 4/5

I had deducted the one point because I really think that the one shot was too short and that there was not a proper storyline. However, I am a fan of Yiruma and SHINee. =] Do work harder! =]

Total: 71/100

Labels: th1rd3ye