Author: Irene
Story Title: Haru Haru - Don't find me again
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Irene/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye

Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

Title: 4/5

This is a simple and nice title. Since it is in a foreign language (Korean), it will surely stir up interest in people. In addition, it is the title of a well-known song by the famous group, Big Bang. However, this meant that many had heard the title before, resulting it to become common. Also, I feel that you should have added the translations of the title in brackets beside it. If you include the "Don't find me again", then your title would be too long.


Poster/Background: 2/5

The poster is rather huge and messy. The pictures are not blended properly. The background is too flowery. The poster and background do not help to enhance the atmosphere of your story. However, the words on the poster are meaningful. Do strive on.


Forewords: 8.5/10

Your foreword was pretty well done. The only thing that was lacking was the background information on the characters. You had included a brief summary of your story and also a poem. However, I thought that maybe you should had added the identity of the “I” who had came out with the poem. Also, since you said the song “Haru Haru” inspired you, maybe you could have included the lyrics (English translations) of the full song in your foreword too.

Plot: 10.5/15

Your overall plot of the love story between the female main lead and Ji Young was typical. The ideas of having a promise and third party were common clichés. However, you had managed to put in your ideas in the story by including more characters and misunderstandings.


Originality: 15/20

Same comment as “Plot”. The plot you used would reveal your originality.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 5/15

Your story is full of errors. You need to proofread more before you submit your chapters. Vocabulary is simple; you could learn and use more sophisticated words. Grammar, punctuation and spelling errors are frequent; you should check again and again or use Microsoft Word to type your chapters if you had not been using it. I picked up some errors, not all of them, though.


[1] But he became my best friend as years passed by. (Chapter 1) – Try not to start a sentence with “but”. It is improper. I suggest you to start with “However”.



[2] All the suffering from my umma's death has made my innocense disappear. (Chapter 1) – You had misspelled. It should be “innocence”.



[3] When I had gathered all my bags out of the car I looked at the house in front of me. (Chapter 1) – You should use commas to separate this sentence since there were a few actions in it. I would suggest you to write “After dragging out all my bags from my car, I stared at the house in front of me.”



[4] At the word Kimbap I suddenly heard my stomach. (Chapter 1) – I believe this is one incomplete sentence. I think you meant to say this, “At the word ‘Kimbap’, I heard my stomach growl.”



[5] She was beautiful, angelic. (Chapter 2) – Since you only used two adjectives to describe her, you should use the conjunction “and” to join them together, instead of a comma. Thus, you should have written “She was beautiful and angelic.”



[6] But I definately knew I wasn’t wrong. (Chapter 2) – Spelling error here: it should be “definitely” and not “definitely”.



[7] Soon I felt my eyes were closing and I was sleeping. (Chapter 4) – Firstly, you could use commas to separate the sentence since there were a few actions in this sentence. Secondly, grammatical error was detected. I would suggest you to change this sentence into “Soon, I felt my eyes close, and I drifted off to sleep.”



[8] “Where’s Maya, my girl.” I heard Hyori ask. (Chapter 17) – Punctuation error is detected here. “Where’s Maya, my girl?” A question mark should be used, since it was a question, not a statement. You should not use full stop.



[9] The cab shot foreward... (Chapter 26) – You had misspelled. It should be “forwards”.



[10] She whisper–said. (Chapter 26) – You could just directly state that “She whispered.”



Detail: 3/5

You had tried to include details in your story but I felt that you had not managed to vividly describe the details. For example, you had mentioned photographs. Instead of only just saying who were in the photo and the poses, you could have included the settings where the photographs were taken too. If you had mentioned that the photographs were taken in sunny weather, the happy mood in the photographs would have been further highlighted.


Writing Style: 7/10

The changes in points of views were clear and direct. However, I felt that your paragraphing was strange. At times, you paragraphed your sentences properly. At some other times, you clumped sentences together. Also, I realise that you had used a lot of incomplete sentences. It could be your writing style but I thought that you should try to change this habit and use complete sentences instead. Please do try to refrain from using “but” to start your sentences as well. It is improper.


Overall Enjoyment: 6.5/10

Bonus: 5/5

I am a big fan of Big Bang! =] I like the addition of Lee Teuk as the taxi driver. =] I love Super Junior too! =]

Total: 66.5/100

Labels: th1rd3ye