Author: purple_lilly
Story Title: Because There's You
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/b_t_y
Reviewer: ShadowYin @ shreddedhearts.blogspot.com



*This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.*

Title: 3/5

Nothing original about it, I liked it in a way because it makes me think what’s before the ‘because’ part. I would’ve preferred it even more if you related your fic back to the title at the end.


Poster/Background: 4/5

It’s nice. You requested from SH.


Forewords: 5/10

You didn’t write much in your forewords, but since you added information about the characters, I’ll give you credit for that. There’s nothing there which makes me want to read on though.


Plot: 9/15

From the beginning it was cliché.

A lot of questioning going on in my head. For example, in chapter 4 you wrote:

[You] Great! Just tell me where to go and I'll meet you there.
[KJ] The park.
[You] sure. See you later.



How did they know they were talking about the same park?

I’m pretty sure there are quite a lot of parks in Korea, what if they live in different areas?

Not really realistic is it?



More points were added because your plot got more interesting at the end.


Originality: 6/20

Like I said before, it’s cliché, and in my opinion, clichés only work when you have great writing style. If you don’t have great writing style you depend on the plot, and probably vice versa to balance it. Let’s say there was nothing original about your fanfic, no particular twists, nothing shocking. To improve you have to shock your readers, give them something different, unexpected.

The way you described the events didn’t really help make it original.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 7/15

I found a lot of errors, here are a few I wanted to add.

You wrote:

As you open your eyes you see the boy you've had a crush on for like FOREVER say 'good morning'.



My version:

As you open your eyes, you see the boy that you had a crush on since like, FOREVER, say 'good morning'. (Personally beside from the punctuation, I think the wording and structure of this sentence could’ve been improved.)



*



I think this could be worked on…

You wrote:

She didn't know I was looking at her and when I held her hand and I saw that she grinned.



I would suggest no more than one ‘and’ per sentence. If it’s avoidable, avoid it as much as possible.

It could’ve been improved by using other words to make it flow a little better.

Example:

She didn’t notice that I was staring at her intently, or that I was holding her hand, and neither did she realise that I saw her grin.



Is it not better to add more words to it to make it flow better? But that’s just my opinion.



Also, here:

Your teacher was still not in the room. Neither was half of the students.



This could’ve been one sentence:

Your teacher was still not in the room, neither were half of the students.



Awkward sentence structure:

When Jung Min left me a couple years back, I was worse than this. But I had no one to hug. Now though I did.



My version:

When Jung Min left me a couple years ago, I was worse than this, but at the time I had no one to hug, and now I have.



Also you used ‘ instead of “ for speech marks…

Quite a lot of awkward sentences going on.

I’m going to have to say this but, poor vocabulary and punctuation.

A lot of silly mistakes which could’ve been spotted by proof reading.


Detail: 2/5

A lot of it could be written with more detail. Also, at times you add details in brackets, when it could’ve been written in sentences. Sometimes, because of your lack of information it feels like you’re getting ahead of yourself within the story.



You didn’t explain how the main character communicated with the SS501 members when her Korean weren’t good. Did they speak English instead?



You started adding more details at the end, but it still wasn’t enough to create powerful imagery within the reader’s head.


Writing Style: 6/10

Considering you were writing from the third person at the beginning, you were really emotional and bias. Personally, I don’t particular like this kind of style.



Your sentences didn’t flow that well because they were too short. It was more like a play; you were giving directions here and there without going into depth with your descriptions.

Because all your sentences were so short, it ruined the pace of the writing.



Very informal language used which I didn’t really like. I might’ve preferred it if you wrote it in first person, which you did later on, so I was pleased to see that.



Instead of making [face is ^O^], why don’t you try to describe it?



And instead of using OMG, why don’t you write it fully? I’m sorry, but this review is based on your English, therefore I’ll have to mark you down for that.



I suggest you look up some words to go with your dialogue instead of ‘say’ and ‘reply’. Your writing doesn’t suggest how your characters deliver their lines besides the exclamation marks being thrown everywhere, which makes the dialogue sound slightly exaggerated.



Please read this sentence:

I was hurt, and sad, and maybe a little bit jealous. I had fallen in love with Kyu Jong and now, there he was flirting with Nicole. I needed to get out of here. I ran far from the horrific scene in front of me.



To be honest, to get more marks, you’ll need to go in more depth. So many things were happening yet you only wrote three lines. It’s really hard for the reader to absorb the event, also when it’s emotions, it’s an opportunity for you to show off your writing skills because there’s so much you could’ve written to extend that tiny paragraph.



However, your writing was improving in the last 15 chapters of the fanfic which was good to see. Although I’ll highly recommend you replace words such as ‘said’. When you use it too often it gets rather repetitive.



I saw a lot of onomatopoeia being used which were excellent. In technique wise, I wasn’t really paying much attention to them because it was mainly dialogue based, but I’ll give you credit for using some writing techniques.


Overall Enjoyment: 6/10

Because everything seemed to be going at such a fast pace, it didn’t seem realistic to me. Like, if I didn’t know someone, I wouldn’t be so close to them so easily. The relationship in this story just didn’t seem real, I’m sorry. I understand that it happens a lot these days, ‘love at first sight’, however you didn’t go in depth with their feelings, and it all seemed so rush due to the lack of description.



To be honest, it was like you were trying to list out everything you could think of, and not giving much thought as to how to deliver your ideas across to the reader.



In chapter 19. The whole ‘payback time’, I was expecting something out of the ordinary, something BIG, and I was really disappointed when you explained it, as it wasn’t as powerful as I quite imagined.



I gave you extra points because I was starting to enjoy your fic near the end.


Bonus: 2/5

Slight improvements were spotted near the end.

You managed to complete it. Well done!



Total: 50/100



I apologise if this review sounded harsh to you or anything, but I really hope you can use this review to improve your writing in future.



To improve in future:

Extend your vocabulary

Learn to use different connectives

Proof read

Use more words to describe how your characters deliver their lines

Be more descriptive

Labels: ShadowYin