Author: arronyans
Story Title: Another Piano Story
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/pianostory/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com/

Title: 3.5/5

Title is of appropriate length but rather hard to remember. It is not common but not alluring as well. The word “Another” made your story sounded as if it was just another typical story and this would not lure readers into reading.



Poster/Background: 2/5

The poster was alright, as it did help to bring out the atmosphere of the story, with the right pictures used. However, the worst was the font colour which did not go with the dark background. Reading is made much tougher since readers have to strain their eyes to read. I hope you can change the font colour to a lighter font colour. In addition, the background is too plain.



Foreword: 6/10

Short and simple foreword, which did not include sufficient details to keep readers’ interest aroused, I would say. I am glad you had included a timeline to make things clearer. However, your foreword lacks interesting information. You did include a brief summary about Hebe’s story with Aaron whom no one had seen before. Also, there are the dialogues between Hebe’s parents but these dialogues are not really very intriguing. Do work harder.


Plot: 10.5/15

Up till now, your story is rather interesting. However, I felt that the pace of your story was confusing. Your story seemed to be in patches somehow. There are not enough links drawn between the characters. You will have a hard time explaining later on if you continue to leave so many questions unanswered in the story. Mike’s appearance is a bonus as his personality brightened up your story.


Originality: 13.5/20

You do have your own creative ideas and twists, but your overall plot is quite common.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 5.5/15

Your grammar is not really strong. Errors are frequent. There are many abrupt changes in tenses which are confusing. Your vocabulary is simple as well. Hopefully, you can improve by proofreading more times and also finding and using more adjectives, adverbs and other words to describe your characters and their surroundings in a more detailed way. There are some examples of the errors that you have made:

[1] I want to know is what happened before my part of the story began. [Chapter 1] – Note the sudden change in tenses, from present to past tense. It should be in past tense though. “Want” should be “wanted” and “is” should be “was”.

[2] Then, I felt a my hair flying for a second. But didn’t care after it stopped. [Chapter 1] – You could not say “a my hair”. This does not make sense. The second phrase is not a complete sentence. I would advice you to change it to, “I felt a breeze blowing through my hair for a second. I did not bother about it even after it had stopped as suddenly as it started.”

[3] As I kept walking, I stepped on some dirty looking newspaper, but I didn’t pay attention to them. [Chapter 1] – You had used “newspaper” here, so it should be “it” instead of “them”.

[4] He kept playing as I stubble in the little room; [Chapter 2] – It should be “stumbled”.

[5] I couldn’t look at him. It’s because of the guiltiness that I had when he caught me “sneaking” up on him, I thought. But I know that it’s just his beautiful, light skinned face that got me memorized. [Chapter 2] – Take note of your tenses again. Past tense should be used. It should be “knew” and that “it was” instead of “it’s”.

[6] All I wanted was to hear Arron responded, [Chapter 5] – “All I wanted was to hear Arron respond,”

[7] There was a silence again [Chapter 6] – Silence cannot be measured. So it should be “There was silence again.”

[8] With or without this place being in your heart, I bet I was already in a room, of you heart, that been sleeping all of these time [Chapter 8] – The prepositions that you had used are wrong. It should be “in your heart”. Your sentence structure is wrong as well. It should be “that had been sleeping all of the time”.


Detail: 3/5

You have tried putting in many details but actually do not have the skills to portray them out clearly.


Writing Style: 6/10

You need to improve on your paragraphing. It is confusing to have many questions lumped together in a paragraph. Also, the sentence whereby Hebe stated that she had fallen uncontrollably in love with Aaron should have been an individual paragraph. It would be more impactful that way. Your English Language errors pulled down your writing style as your sentences were incoherent. However, your writing style is understandable. So, I hope that you can work harder!


Overall Enjoyment: 6/10


Bonus: 3/5


Total: 59/100

Labels: th1rd3ye