Author: Rika<3
Story Title: My five oujisama ★
Story URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/rika/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com/

Title: 3.5/5

Title is of appropriate length but rather hard to remember. The star beside will help to attract attention. However, I would say this title is not impressive as though you have used the word “oujisama”, it is rather similar to other typical titles like, my five sisters and as such.



Poster/Background: 4.5/5

I loved the poster. The background was of a different image from the poster, but it went well with the poster. This is brilliant as nowadays, the backgrounds are plain or actually a reduced version of the posters. The mood and atmosphere of the story was attained. The colour and pictures chosen for the poster were perfect. The font colour was not as suitable though since the red is too striking and bright. Perhaps, you can change it into a lighter shade of red. To be honest, I think your poster was really adorable and would help pique interest in readers to read more. Bravo!



Foreword: 8.5/10

The foreword included almost everything I would ask for. You have sufficient details about the characters and also a prologue which is rather interesting but predictable as well. The part about the mysterious organization is predictable since we know it would be DBSK. Anyway, the only regret is no sneak preview of the story which will further allure readers into continuing reading. You should have included the meaning of “oujisama” too since there may be readers who do not understand the meaning. Nonetheless, I am pleased with you work here! =]


Plot: 11.5/15

Vampires, werewolves and hunters, plus a love story, are typical plots. However, the idea of the club is your own little twist. The interactions between the characters are lively and interesting.


Originality: 13.5/20

As I have said, you do have your own creative ideas and twists, but your overall plot is quite common.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 5.5/15

You used simple vocabulary, to make your story more interesting and captivating, you need to improve your command of the English Language. There are many errors here and there, I just picked up some as examples. You need to find synonyms, adjectives and even adverbs. In addition, you should proofread a few more times.



[1] The identities of the members are kept sealed. so no one in the school about them and even what things they do , not one of the school know... – Capitalize your “so” since it is after a full-stop, so it should be “So”. Also, I think that “not one of the school” sounds a little incoherent, so maybe, you could change it to “No one in the school knows…” [Foreword]

[2] It about a girl who entered the academy, - It should be “It’s about a girl who had entered the academy.” [Foreword]

[3] It's just that not many know about it, as these kind of species knows how to hid themselves from humans' naked eyes. – Alright. There are many mistakes in this sentence. It should be “It’s just …, as these kinds of species know how to hide themselves from humans’ naked eyes”. Take note of your tenses and also the plural forms of words. [Chapter 1]

[4] To be exact, the human being just don't noticed them as they don't believe to the creatures called Demons. – “… human beings just don’t notice them as they don’t believe in the existence of creatures called Demons.” One does not believe in something. [Chapter 1]

[5] They just too many. – “There are just too many”.[Chapter 1]

[6] This is ain't right. Why there's too many pathetic mindless vampires tonight? – “This ain’t right. Why are there so many pathetic mindless vampires tonight?” [Chapter 1]

[7] But then, you kept on planting that little hope ; hoping that someone/ somebody could help her right now!! – The “her” should be replaced with “you”. [Chapter 1]

[8] 'if you want the guns back, Meet me to place where we first meet' – “If you want the guns back, meet me at the place where we first met.” [Chapter 10]


Detail: 3/5

You have tried putting in many details but actually do not have the skills to portray them out clearly.


Writing Style: 5.5/10

Your writing style is rather confusing for me. If it is a point of view from a third person, then please do state so instead of no one’s POV. It sounded weird. Also, your paragraphing and dialogues are confusing too since you have a lot of dialogues and characters but you do not specify who speaks what. So I hope you can improve on this aspect, clarify and make things as clear as possible.


Overall Enjoyment: 6/10

It is humourous, exciting and crowded with the many amiable and charming characters. However, I do get bewildered as well and get lost since the pace of the story is not consistent too. Things happen too fast to the “you”.


Bonus: 3/5

I am a fan of DBSK! =] I love them! However, as I have said earlier, your mistakes and writing style, do baffle me.


Total: 64.5/100

Labels: th1rd3ye