Author: D14
Story Title: My Dream
Story URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/d14_1shot/
Reviewer: th1rd3ye
Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

Title: 2/5

Your title is a simple and short title which is not impressive and lacks creativity. Such titles are pretty common and thus not many readers will be interested to click on it and read it.


Poster/Background: 3.5/5

I would say that at least your font colour goes with the background. The background is not plain as well. The poster is rather adorable but a little plain. One good point is that the appearance of the story fits the story and creates the appropriate mood to it.


Foreword: 7.5/10

Your foreword was rather short but it included sufficient details about Yun Ho. Also, it had the brief summary about what the story was about. However, it was not impressive and alluring. This is due to firstly, the length of the foreword, and secondly, there is no characterisation about the “you” in the story, and lastly, no sneak previews or snippets of the story.


Plot: 9/15

This plot is a typical plot of dreaming of a love story with an idol. However, there is a much more dramatic ending to it this time round, which is a little different from the others.


Originality: 12/20

As mentioned above, it was a rather common plot, except the dramatic ending.


Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 7/15

Errors are very frequent, especially the grammar. Punctuation is a little confusing. Vocabulary is very simple and not remarkable. Note my suggestions under the ‘Writing Style’ section. You can surely do better. Do strive on.

Examples of errors include (All are from Chapter 1):

[1] What had just friggin’ happened?! – Try not to use colloquial language. A more appropriate word would be “freaking”.

[2] Wait, wasn’t I supposed to be in front of Yunho, confessing my feeling for him?? – One question mark would be more appropriate even though I know you are trying to emphasise on your bewilderment.

[3] I thought I was hearing him said that he love me too. – Incoherent sentence, a better sentence would be “I thought I was listening to his declaration of love for me.”

[4] I called her once again. Where’s she anyways? – Note the sudden changes in tenses. From “I called her” to “Where’s she”, it jumped abruptly from past tense to present tense. This mistake should be avoided. It should have been “Where was she anyway?”. Spelling error is present too, since there is no ‘s’ for ‘anyway’.


Detail: 3.5/5

Sufficient details but the descriptions of the details were not elaborated enough.


Writing Style: 6.5/10

Rather neat and understandable, I would say. However, your writing style is too simple and requires improvement. Your sentences sound incoherent. I think maybe it is because English is not your first language, but still, I would suggest for you to find out some synonyms, adjectives, adverbs and descriptions. It is quite reader-friendly too since the point of view is from the reader. Also, your paragraphing should be improved. Actually, each dialogue by a new speaker should be a new paragraph on its own. For example, the questions hurled at Yun Ho and the “you” should have been on their individual paragraphs instead of one whole chunk.


Overall Enjoyment: 6/10


Bonus: 5/5

I LOVE DBSK! =] The characters in this one-shot are very lively and adorable. You can do better so do work harder!


Total: 62/100

Labels: th1rd3ye