Author: dEEaNNa
Story Title: Kurosagi Sequel
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/dEEaNNa_05/
Reviewer: LaurenLCD
Site: http://shreddedhearts.blogspot.com

Title: 3/5
This may appeal to those who've seen/read the original, but not to those who haven't.

Poster/Background: 3/5
While it's certainly not bad looking, the background was distracting and I couldn't really focus on the actual writing. Perhaps a solid background next time? The poster was nice, but not incredibly eye catching.

Forewards: 5/10
While it does get points for introducing the characters, I felt some background information or a bit about their personalities could've been given for the main characters, as well as some information about the original story. As one who hadn't heard of the original plot, I did not know what I was getting into, even as I read the prologue. The summary should've been added as well instead of jumping into the story.

Plot: 7/15
I couldn't really get into the plot, since I couldn't pinpoint what was supposed to happen throughout.

Originality: 10/20
I can only give you half because you're building off a story that already exists. Gomenosai?

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation/Vocabulary: 10/15
There were errors that could've been a result of rushed typing.
i.e. missing apostrophes in words such as "I'm" etc.
some words are written in the past or present tense when they should be the opposite.
some sentences begin lower case.
I noticed that you added an author's note:
"=Gomen ne Juliet song instrumental being played at the background softly=

~Tsurara's letter : Tsurara's voice~"

This distracts the reader from the story. Next time might I suggest omitting ______'s voice as the reader already know's who wrote the letter? You should also omitt writing or inserting music while in the midst of a chapter. If you want to add music to the story, give the reader a link (youtube, etc.) before the chapter starts in your author's note.

Detail: 1/5
I'm sorry, but I'm a bit biased on this one. I had no idea who any of the characters were, and so I couldn't put name to face or expression, or voice. I had a sense of not knowing my surroundings except the general location, such as a train station, etc. and no emotional atmosphere was built according to the time and/or place. I couldn't really feel anything for the characters because I couldn't really get into their heads, despite this being written in first person POV.

Writing Style: 7/10
I'd just suggest that you don't switch point of view too much between characters. It's jarring to go from reading one POV for about 2 sentences, only to be thrust into another character's head the next few sentences. Even though you do indicate when a POV is changing, I felt that you did this too much within chapters.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/10
I couldn't enjoy it, not because you're a bad writer, but because I didn't know the original story.

Bonus: 5/5
Sorry for taking so long to review and coming off too harsh (I hope I didn't!). I'm a writer as well, and I want to see improvement in others as well as myself. Please don't let this discourage you! This is also my first review so I hope I did okay? hehehe... Again, I didn't know the story. And even if I did, I would score objectively. Meaning: Even if I knew the characters, and the original work this story was based off of, I would not let my being a fan blind my perception of whether or not the story was well written.

Total: 56/100
I'm sorry for scoring so low! Please don't think I'm being mean or trying to flame or troll. Perhaps I would've scored higher if I knew the story better. Not to mention the fact that I'm a tough love critic. I'm even tougher on myself! But especially when it comes to the improvement of others. Like I said earlier, don't let this discourage you!

Labels: LaurenLCD